Hold me tight

20.

                            20. Eternal love

My head hit the pillow, it felt so good and comfy right now, I was laying on my back. My eyes closed automatically, I felt so dizzy, but I was only hoping to fall asleep fast. All the things that had happened this night.. they were on my thoughts. They runned freely in there, not leaving me alone. I just tried to focus on sleeping, but no. Everytime I saw either Joonas', Margaret's or someone else's faces.

I heard some knocking my front door. I didn't pay attention first.
But it happened again after a few seconds, I opened my eyes fastly. Slowly and carefully I sat up, it made me feel like throwing up. I stayed there silent, listening and wishing that whoever wanted my attention behind the door, would go away.
Seconds passed, first five, ten, and lastly fifteen.
*knock knock knock*
I let out deep and long sigh while I stood up, who would probably be there at the middle of the night?
Maybe I'm crazy that right now I'm walking towards the door, not knowing anything about what's going to happen.
My cold and shaking hand took a grip of the door handle, I pressed it down. And opened the door, only a very little bit. It was dark at the stairwell.
A hand, man's hand, was placed on the door frame.
I swallowed quietly.
"Who.. who's there?" I questioned, my voice was weak. I was nervous as hell.

"It's only me." The man responded, his voice was familiar. Too familiar.
I frowned.

I let myself to open the door, and he stood there, looking at me straight into my soul with his tired and drunk eyes.

"What are you doing here, Joonas?" I frowned.
He was leaning his head against the door frame, his blonde curls were a bit wet, maybe it has rained outside.
"I wanted to apologize.. I'm so sorry for being an idiot.. I hate myself..." He mumbled, I just stared at him in silence before I backed up so he could walk in.
He closed the door behind him, then we just stood at the dark hallway.
"Don't hate yourself." I responded quietly. I saw he looked confused.
"I lied to you."

I only let out a short chuckle, my gaze lowered to our feet.
Yes, he lied. But do I want to be mad? I don't.
"I've had enough hate and misery in my life." My tone was more confident.
He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted it a bit up, so my eyes could meet his blue ones.
"Saga. I would never hurt you.. and I know I did it tonight. I promise it won't happen ever again.. please.. if you want me to leave you alone then say it, and I will do it. You won't deserve people around you who does these kind of things." He almost whispered, his words made shivers all over to my body.
"In this situation I wouldn't forgive, I would close my heart from everyone and never give a chance to anyone to know me deeply again." My eyes studied his face. Suddenly his face looked different. He was nervous.
I stayed silent for a moment, giving time for myself to listen the inner me. The voice screamed to push him away and forget him.
My mother used to tell me that I should listen to my heart, mostly. So, I did as she has recommended.
Joonas let his hand slide down from my chin.
He looked already disappointed. He was ready to leave, I saw that.

"But.. it's you. So.. I kinda can't let go of you." I continued quietly. His eyes turned to look at me once again, it looked like he was getting emotional.
Either of us didn't know what to do. What to say.

"You know we're drunk, right?" Joonas whispered, slightly coming closer to me. I nodded slowly.
We studied each other faces, but our hands were on our own sides.
It was hard for both of us, I felt the heat. We wanted to touch each other. He wanted to touch me.
I wanted to touch him.

"Kiss me." I whispered, my voice being weak and shaky. I felt the tears coming, I started to feel emotional. Joonas carefully put his right hand on my waist, and the left one hold my face.
He leaned closer, I closed my eyes.
Then our lips touched, dancing with each other.
In this moment it felt so right. So.. unreal.