Maybe I'm Lying [COMPLETED]

KABANATA 16- The People I Hold Dearly

Nanghihina kong sinara ang pinto ng kuwarto ko. I figured that if all I did was obey her every demand to always look beautiful, act eloquently, and stay in shape. All that would be enough to please her. I assumed that doing so would make up for my existence, but no, Mom wouldn't have much difficulty if I hadn't been born.

I am a walking nightmare for her.

Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para pigilan ang sarili na humikbi. Patuloy lang ang pagbagsak ng mga luha kahit anong pagpigil ko. It hurt because I felt like my heart was squeezing every drop of tears it could hold. And I'm not fond of this sensation. It's making me weak, the type of person I swore I'd never be.

“Charm,” boses ni Craven. Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko at inilibot ang nanlalabong paningin sa kuwarto ko. It's Craven, and I can't be mistaken. His voice was too familiar to me. Madilim ang loob ng kuwarto ko dahil hindi nakabukas ang ilaw ngunit sapat na ang sinag ng buwan na nanggagaling sa balcony para maaninag ko ang pigura niya na nakaupo sa harap ng vanity mirror ko. Kinusot ko pa ang mga mata ko para mas makita siya nang maayos.

Pinunasan ko ang basa ko ng pisngi at ilong pagkaraa'y suminghot-singhot at umayos ng pustura. “What are you doing here, Craven? Why didn't you open the lights?” My voice sounded hoarse, and I tried to clear my throat after. To be honest, I'm glad that the lights were closed, or else he would notice my puffy red eyes from crying, and I don't know how I will explain it to him.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at napakunot ng noo nang makitang nakalatag ang mga make up ko sa tapat ng vanity mirror.

“Anything wrong?” tanong ko.

“Sorry,” he whispered. Hindi makapaniwlaang tiningnan ko lang ito. What was he sorry for? For entering my room?

“I heard you and Mom arguing. I didn't intended to—”

“It’s okay. You don't have to be sorry for that,” sabi ko sa kanya at pabirong kinuskos ang ulo niya. Although I'm a bit disappointed. I was planning on taking him out of our mess as much as possible. Nagulat ako nang hindi man lang ito natinag. Most of the time, he would groan in protest because he didn't want anyone to mess up his hair.

“No. I'm sorry,” ulit niya. I smiled at him to assure him everything was fine with me, but he just shook his head. His eyes were starting to crystalize.

“I’m soryy… sorry kasi”—Suminghot muna siya bago magpatuloy—“kasi... I once thought my life would be better if I was you.”

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. “I thought you were happy… free… that you are able to do anything you wanted because you are Charm, fiesty and frank. And I envied you for being a girl… that you don't have to put up with Dad’s expectation—hik.” Nanginginig ang boses na paliwanag niya. Muling umagos ang mga luha ko. Nang makahuma ay agad ko siyang binalot ng yakap.

“…that you could openly love a guy without being afraid of Dad’s judgement…,” he continued while I was shaking my head aggressively. “I-i’m sorry… Ate… I’m sorry….”

Hinimas ko nang paulit-ulit ang ulo niya at niyakap pa siya nang mas mahigpit. It was a realization that had never occurred to me before. And after hearing his thoughts, I felt as if the roof had fallen on me. My heart hurts so much that I want it to rip out of my chest. I don't want to appear weak in front of Craven. I should be strong for him because I am his older sister. Most of all, I should be the one saying sorry to him. He is way too young, and I failed to notice that he was struggling. He is a teen and still searching for his identity… as his sister, I should be the very first ones who would help him. I should have noticed that he was unhappy too. With all the attention he was getting, comes a big expectation and pressure that was already suffocating him.