Lovers in Denial (a Chuuya x Akutagawa fanfic)

Chapter 2: Chuuya's Late-night Ponderings

Unbeknownst to Akutagawa, Chuuya was likewise kept awake thanks to his thoughts. Little did Akutagawa know, Chuuya was even thinking of what was practically the same thing. It was like the two of them were in sync but they didn't know it.

That's right. Chuuya too was thinking back to that day. That fateful day. That cursed day that he'd never been able to forget no matter how hard he tried. However, as bad as it was, it did have a good part.

Kunikida had tragically fallen victim to amnesia, and much to Chuuya's dismay, he found that his friend had become BFFs with Dazai, the very person that the two of them always vented about. He knew it wasn't Kunikida's fault he had lost his memory, but it still felt like a betrayal. What didn't help was how Dazai kept making annoying comments about how jealous Chuuya was. Sure, Chuuya was insanely jealous despite his insistent claims that he wasn't, but that was besides the point. He had no intentions on speaking of his problem to anyone. None whatsoever. His problem was his alone, and he'd deal with it accordingly.

Until Akutagawa came along.

Chuuya knew and got along with Akutagawa fairly well, being coworkers with him and all. But they weren't what one might call friends. They were more like acquaintances at most. That all changed the same day Chuuya learned of Kunikida's unfortunate fate. He'd gone back to the Mafia's headquarters after a long, frustrating day of enduring Dazai's comments and seeing Kunikida suddenly like Dazai more, and it became fairly obvious to anyone nearby (in this case, Akutagawa) that he was extremely jealous and angry.

Akutagawa had appeared worried about Chuuya and asked him what was wrong. The question had caught Chuuya off guard, for he wasn't exactly used to that type of concern. He'd felt especially conflicted due to that. For what might've been the first time, he wanted nothing more than to open up about his problem that admittedly was bothering him a lot. Letting it all out had never seemed so appealing. Still, part of him didn't want to talk about it. He was never the type to open up, and he had just thought he should stay that way. But in the end, Chuuya did talk about his feelings, and it helped him a lot, though he never thought he'd say that.

Which then led to Akutagawa admitting his jealousy of Atsushi. Chuuya had somewhat been aware of Akutagawa's history with Dazai, but he didn't know it was this dire. He felt bad for the guy. Akutagawa was just caught up in an endless loop of chasing after something that would never happen. Chuuya wanted to tell him that, but he didn't want to hurt Akutagawa even more, and he figured Akutagawa wasn't in the right headspace to hear the sad truth yet. So Chuuya had just listened to Akutagawa vent. After all, it was the least he could do since Akutagawa had just listened to Chuuya's long rant. It was only then that he learned just how much Akutagawa craved even just a tiny bit of approval from his ex-teacher. It was a sad situation all around, no doubt. From that moment on, Chuuya had vowed that he'd do his best to make Akutagawa feel valued, and he only hoped that it would work. He knew he could likely never replace the attention that Akutagawa had always craved from Dazai, but he knew he could try to be there for Akutagawa, and try he would.

That conversation, and then the fight that Akutagawa had had with Atsushi, had led to Akutagawa finally announcing that he no longer cared about getting Dazai's attention. It had finally become clear that it would never happen, so Akutagawa was done trying. It hadn't been an easy thing to come to terms with, but it had to be done. In that moment, Chuuya had felt really sorry for Akutagawa because he knew how important Dazai's approval would've been to him. But on the other hand, Chuuya was really proud of his colleague for recognizing his worth and that he deserved better, even if the road to that realization was long and hard.

Aside from making the decision to make sure Akutagawa felt loved, he swore to protect his friend. And when Chuuya promised something, he never, ever broke that promise. Ever. So let it be known that without a second thought, Chuuya would protect Akutagawa and Q with his life.

Which then led to another thought that was keeping Chuuya up. He cared for Akutagawa deeply, no doubt about it. But he wasn't sure how he'd describe it. Did he just see Akutagawa as a friend? Or could it be something more? Chuuya hadn't had many friends throughout life, so he wasn't sure if he was confusing one type of feeling for another when it came to Akutagawa.

I'm so confused...maybe I should ask Kunikida for advice the next time I see him. He's always good at giving advice, Chuuya eventually thought. Maybe his friend would be able to help him figure out this confusing mystery. After all, Chuuya had given loads of stellar advice (and teasing) when Kunikida had first found that he liked Dazai romantically. Kunikida had been just as confused as Chuuya was now, but he and Dazai did eventually get together, so that had to mean something.