Lovers in Denial (a Chuuya x Akutagawa fanfic)

Chapter 19: A Couple Mafioso's Late-night Thoughts

Chuuya and Akutagawa were still sound asleep on the couch.

Gin and Q had gone searching for them after awhile and finally found them.

Q had made the very difficult decision to refrain from teasing Chuuya and Akutagawa...for now. Let it be known that they weren't completely refraining from doing so. They still had to tease their friends at least a little bit. It was justified since the two of them had been so oblivious.

Knowing that Chuuya and Akutagawa were fine, Gin and Q turned around and left the room.

Even though Q was planning out a whole lot of teasing to unleash upon Chuuya and Akutagawa, that wasn't the only thing on their mind. They were really glad to see their best friends just relax, especially after everything the three of them had gone through together lately. Q was still scared that one of them might die by Mori's hand even if the old man had started to leave them alone lately. One could never quite tell with Mori. Q shook their head and tried not to think about it too much. If they did, they just got caught in a cycle of feeling really scared, and that was never fun.

Eventually, Chuuya and Akutagawa woke up and remembered that they had just been sleeping right next to each other. Which then made them both super flustered so they hastily bade each other goodnight and rushed to bed. They were both prepared for a bunch of midnight thoughts to plague them that night.

They couldn't have been more right.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...I was just sleeping right next to Akutagawa! Why is that making me feel this way? Why? Just why? Could it be true what Kunikida, Q, and Ane-san have been telling me? Am I in love with Akutagawa? It would make sense since I always feel this way around him. And honestly...after giving it some thought, I'm going to have to admit they're right. I care about Akutagawa a lot and I don't know what I'd do without him. Since he's in such bad health, I'm constantly worried about him. I always worry that one day, I'll wake up and he'll have succumbed to his illness and that'll be it. I'll never see him again. I dread the day that happens...if it will. Maybe it won't, but I'm still scared. This sucks. I really hope it doesn't happen and I'm just overthinking things. Anyways...yeah. It took me awhile to realize it, but...I love Akutagawa. I really do, Chuuya was thinking once he'd comfortably settled into bed.

After that tangent had passed through his mind, a new one began.

...Did I really just admit to myself that I love Akutagawa? Oh wow...I did. Welp. Why do I feel so much more at ease after admitting it? Actually...I don't feel completely at ease. I still don't know how to tell Akutagawa...or if I even should. What if he doesn't return my feelings? What if it ruins our friendship? What'll I do then? Chuuya wondered. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, trying to calm down. He knew worrying this much wouldn't solve anything, but it wasn't easy to just stop worrying.

I need to stop thinking like this. Ane-san's right, even if Akutagawa didn't like me back, he wouldn't hate me or want to stop being friends with me. I really shouldn't think that. I'm not giving him enough credit. I KNOW he's not like that, and yet I keep thinking it. I shouldn't. Akutagawa's an amazing guy and I've never seen him as anything less than that. I'll forever hate the mackerel for hurting Akutagawa as much as he did. He never deserved that. Ever. Part of me doesn't understand how Akutagawa still idolized Dazai even after putting up with all that mistreatment. But in a way...I get it. He was conditioned to believe that he should always seek Dazai's praise and he was doing something wrong if he didn't get it. And that couldn't be further from the truth. I only wish Akutagawa could see that. I know it's not easy to break free from thoughts he's had for years, but I just want him to see his worth. Because he has so much of it. I'll always believe that. I'll always care about him. I'll always look out for him. I'll always be there for him. I'll always love him. That's a promise.

After thinking those last few things, Chuuya became a bit embarrassed. He went from being completely oblivious to being completely head-over-heels. What the heck was this?

Wait, no. He knew what it was. He was in love, there was no denying it. And now that he'd admitted it to himself a few times, he felt a bit more confident in eventually confessing to Akutagawa.

Welp. He'd come such a long way. Even just a few minutes ago, he'd been debating on whether he should confess to his dear friend or not and trying to figure out how said friend would react. And now here he was, coming to the decision that he would confess to Akutagawa like those he'd gone to for advice had suggested. Chuuya suddenly felt a surge of boldness. Heck, if it weren't so late at night, he'd march up to Akutagawa this very minute and profess his undying love for him. But since it was late, he'd have to hold off until tomorrow. He was fine with that, though. It gave him some more time to prepare himself in case he still felt nervous.

Meanwhile, Akutagawa was being kept up by his thoughts, too. It was a more common occurrence for him than Chuuya, so he was used to it at this point. He'd just accepted that sleep didn't come easy. It sucked, but he didn't know what else to do. His midnight thoughts consisted of various different things, and as of late, a certain redhead occupied them quite often. Almost every night, to be exact. Tonight was no different.

I think it goes without saying how much I care about Chuuya. Even just the idea of losing him scares and saddens me. When I look at him, I just can't take my eyes off him. I could stare at him forever and never get bored. ...Ok, maybe that sounds a bit creepy. All I mean is that he's such a beautiful sight to behold. He has the best fashion taste ever. Anyone who says otherwise is completely wrong and doesn't know what they're talking about. Even aside from his fashion sense, he's so pretty. Especially his eyes...I could get lost in them and I wouldn't even mind because that's the best place to be lost in. Other than how beautiful he is...it's his personality that I love. Who couldn't love someone as caring and loyal as Chuuya? He was one of the first people to ever be nice to me. He's never thought badly of me even if I deserved it. It's like he just looks past all that and still cares about me. I owe him so much. He says I don't and he's just doing what any decent human being would do. But that doesn't stop me from feeling that way. I still think I should repay him in some way. I just don't know how and it feels like an impossible task because he's done so much for me. Why is this so complicated? Also...did I just say-or in this case, think-that I love him? ...Well, dang. I sure did. It's the truth, though. At some point after we officially became more than coworkers and then became friends instead, I've started to see him as more than a friend. I can't really pinpoint when exactly it happened, but the way he listened to me rant about Dazai and the weretiger was definitely a huge factor in that. Not too many people take the time to listen to me, so it meant a lot when Chuuya did. And then after that, he kept trying to help me feel better when Dazai kept openly favoring the weretiger. It felt so nice to finally be appreciated by someone and not even have to do anything to try and win their approval. Chuuya's such a great guy, and I really do love him. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but I have to tell him. For one thing, I don't want to feel like I'm lying to him. And for another...this might just be my wishful thinking, but maybe he'll return my feelings. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna confess to him tomorrow.

Chuuya and Akutagawa may not have been physically together at that exact moment. They were not only thinking in perfect sync, but also finally deciding to confess to each other.