losing yourself

I Am Sorry

I want to confess something. Part of the reason I prefer oversized shirts and darker colors is because I have body insecurities. Like, I feel like I can't wear cute things because I don't have a toned torso and my ribs are too big. I know I am not fat but because of my weird, not-flat body type, I feel like my clothes fit weird and I am like a large, round barrel. My legs are stocky and muscular, not skinny like my sister's. I would love to have her body, honestly. I feel like she is going to develop better than I did, and that makes me happy for her but also kind of sad because I probably do have some sort of imbalance. One of my boobs is smaller than the other. My stomach isn't as flat as it could be, and wearing tight shirts makes me self-conscious. My skin is pale because I don't get much sun and I don't tan easily. My hair isn't luscious and sometimes it gets sick. I still have acne. My arms are toned, wrists thin, but scarred and relatively unattractive. When you joke about me being unattractive due to wearing black it actually cuts very deep and I take it very personally. I am too sensitive. Growing up hurts and I'm sure you understand. I still feel alone but I'm starting to embrace it. Is that what we call growth? I have lost a lot of weight but I still feel like I could lose more and exercise better. I don't want to be fat, and I don't like food so I don't want to eat, besides I really don't need to eat all the time.

I wish I was a better person with a better body and better habits. I really hate my torso. And my stupid ribs. This is why I don't wear dresses. I can only suck my stomach in so far, and even then I still feel and notice the chub.

It saddens me but also drives me to find ways to lose it. I don't want to be fat.