I need to stop feeling so guilty about every little damn thing.
Spending hours behind a closed door working on character designs or small comic concepts? Guilt.
Isolating myself in my room so I can finish various knitting projects? Guilt.
Being productive? Improving my website? GUILT.
Spending all my free time working on my various hobbies and listening to music? GUILT.
Everything makes me feel guilty. Like nothing I do is good enough or somehow I'm avoiding something. I feel like I have to keep glancing over my shoulder, always on the alert, in order to save face should someone come knocking and ask me what I'm up to.
After all, nothing I do is really that important, is it? I'm not bettering my quality of life or the lives around me, I'm not making money doing what I love, I'm just "hiding" in my room "avoiding" everyone.
That was sarcasm, in case you didn't get that. I want to be clear.
It constantly feel like time is running out. I feel guilty when I can't focus, and I feel guilty when I CAN focus. I feel pressure but can't see where it comes from. My mind is my bully, I am my own worst enemy. I'm afraid of both success and failure. I'm afraid I'll never live up to my own high expectations or the ones others may have of me.
In a way, it's like drowning in a sea of noise but everything is static and numb and suffocating. I run the treadmill trying to catch up but the speed is turned up by some unseen hand and I have to keep running or else fall off and crash into the wall and shatter into smithereens as if I'm made of glass.
I feel like I'm not allowed to do what I do, even though there's no one actually telling me that.
YOU ARE READING
losing yourself
Non-FictionI'm not asking for empowerment, I'm asking you to listen. I think too much and I obsess over things that don't matter. Mature because I don't have a filter. Updated only when I feel like it. //I don't own the artwork on the cover, just feel like it...
