losing yourself

i have many regrets

I'm one of those people who regrets practically everything they do. However there's one thing in particular that I wanted to express here, because if I had known at the time how much it would impact me and my thought process, I'd have never done it.

The thing?

Telling people I wrote stories. When I was eleven, the writing bug bit me. I was always a storyteller anyway but that was when I really got serious. Anyway, I was always so excited about my writing and would carry a notebook everywhere and talk about it all the time.

I don't do that anymore. Sure I still carry a "notebook" everywhere—be it physical or just the notes app in my phone, but I don't talk about my work like I used to. As a matter of fact I try not to bring it up.

The reason?

I have a hard time with criticism, as I'm sure we all do. It's pretty bad for me. Another thing I struggle with is being so stuck in my head that I can't see the forest for the trees, and I think that shows in my work. Especially my old work.

I can't imagine what people must've thought when I let them read my manuscripts.

One of the worst things I ever heard though was from my dad's uncle. Now between you and me, I'm not very fond of him and I would avoid him as much as I could. Well one time he told me I should "bring him my work sometime so he can see if it's good or not, because he knows." Like why the hell would you say that to a kid?!

It's damaging.

Anyway eventually it became apparent that people thought my work was either concerning, or they just didn't share enthusiasm for it. I remember one time I finished a draft and the first thing my dad said when I told him it was done, was "Good. Maybe now we'll see you more."

It's true, I self isolate a lot and I especially do when I'm working on things. I have to work alone otherwise I can't function properly. I need all that space to think.

All this to say I regret my childhood enthusiasm because it really, really did not benefit me. I ended up listening to so much criticism that it just caused me to overthink and shut down and now I'm 21 and still can't finish a damn story because I'm too worried about what other people think.

I want to stop filtering myself and watering myself down just so my family and others won't judge me or try to pick apart my work. Seriously they used to think something was wrong with me. Because I always chose dark themes.

As some of you might know, it's hard to explain your work sometimes. Like I don't know where all of this stuff comes from but it's in me and if I don't get it out I feel like I'll explode.

Yeah. That's the rant.

Thanks for coming I guess?