losing yourself

i need to push myself

I am a lazy good-for-nothing just waiting for something to happen.

I want to give up on everything I'm striving for.

I don't want to try because I'm impatient and I just want to see results fast.

I'm probably not doing anything the right way.

I'm acting entitled and selfish and lazy and just about the epitome of today's generation.

I say I don't care. I feel like I don't care.

Deep down, I know I do care. I need to dig that out. I need to grasp it, light that match. Hold it high. Let it fly and take me to the stars.

But it's scary because life will be different.

And I'm an idiot, a moron hermit crab too afraid to leave the shell I've already outgrown. I'm small and nothing in the grand scheme of life, the universe, and everything.

Or is that just a lie I've told myself too often?

What's it like, to achieve your goals?

What's it like, to be successful at something you love?

What's it like, to have connections and know how to get where you need to be?

I need help.

I'm lazy.

I'm tired.

I'm angry.

I don't want to do anything anymore and yet I want to do everything. Why am I such a fickle smoothie of yuck and yum?

I don't like feeling this way and I don't like thinking about how I procrastinate and the reality makes me feel sick, and it makes me want to run away so nobody can know what a failure I am for not trying and not putting in the time for the right things rather than what comes most naturally.

I have the skills, I have the potential, but I don't have the motivation. Or maybe I do, but I'm too busy believing that "i can't" or that "it doesn't matter".

I'm starting to sound like a broken record at this point.

I'd better stop.