losing yourself

i am a pathetic excuse of a human

I am such a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Tonight, I went dancing and the guy I like was there but he kept asking one of my friends to dance and chatting with her and I was so fucking jealous and I am so ashamed of myself...how can I just mute my feelings so they go away?? They're inconvenient and made me enjoy myself less than usual.

This isn't fair and I know it doesn't matter, maybe he was testing me and it probably doesn't mean anything.

I've been trying to tell myself I don't fancy him in that way but he's literally one of the prettiest people I've ever met and it's so hard to say I don't like him when he's around. Because I do like him.

I like him a lot.

I like him way too fucking much.

And I don't want to admit it and scare him away before we can even be actual friends. I know I'm overthinking it as always but I feel so lame and like I haven't lived, I don't know how to carry a casual conversation with people because my brain dives off the deep end immediately and practically every word that spills out of my mouth is a personal inside joke that only makes people question my sanity.

Once, someone told me that if she didn't know me she would think I'm depressed.

I'm not depressed.

I'm just uncultured, sheltered, and lame. That's mostly my own fault because I like my bubble and I don't like to venture too far from what's comfortable. I'm getting better and worse at the same time.

And I have a crush on someone I hardly know. It's the most intense crush I've had on anybody ever and that's why I want to squash it.

I hate overwhelming emotions because I feel everything too much as it is.

I hate how when he did dance with me and he asked what I'd been up to, and about my poetry, I couldn't give him a proper answer.

I suck at being very social with people I hardly know.

I wish I was more outgoing.

I wish I wasn't such a jealous piece of flesh.

I ruined my own night.

Euphoria? Gone.

Energy? Depleted.

I'm a sorry excuse for a human being and I'm going back into my shell now.

Wake me up when I'm done being miserable.