losing yourself

i feel invalid

Let's face it: I was homeschooled, and as I hate being told what to do and how to learn, I refused to get a college education. Not only that, but I honestly had no interest nor any idea what to study for. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Keep in mind, I don't regret it. That's not what's wrong. What's wrong is that I look at myself and compare myself to other creatives who have degrees and seem to be so much better than me. Then I have to step back and remember, I don't know what paths they had to take to get there. I shouldn't be jealous of them.

And then I get past it, and I'm happy for them. I'm glad they are where they are.

But I resent that I, who has just as much potential as anyone, lack the motivation and drive to even attempt to achieve the things I envision. I have a lot of issues focusing, more so now than I ever did in the past. I used to be able to write a book in like three months. Granted, it was trash and I had no other occupations. But still. I was so much more free, so driven.

Somewhere along the way, I broke and the pieces that got put back aren't quite in the right place. I'm doing better, and my skills improve daily. Even my sister, who's critical in her own way, can attest to that. I have improved.

But focusing is hard. My attention span is fickle. I'm at a point in life where I need to consider my future and how I want to make a life for myself.

It's hard because I still feel like a child sometimes and as I'm not only a perfectionist but a procrastinator, I put those futuristic thoughts off for as long as possible. Let's face it, life can be unnecessarily overwhelming-especially in today's crazy messed up world.

I don't feel like I'm good enough to reach my dreams. I know that's something every artist struggles with. Every person on this planet has that struggle, so why do I feel so alone in it? Have I convinced myself that I am the only one to feel it the way I do, for as long as I have?

What happened to Optimism when I need her? She's a backstabber just like everyone else. Just like Pessimism. Realism doesn't stab me, but she's just my reflection. She's there whether I want her to be or not. A constant. Which is comforting in its own right but also aggravating.

I really want to just burn everything sometimes. I'm impatient and I want to see myself flourish but it feels like it's too much work for my lazy ass.

Maybe I just need some sunshine.

And maybe, despite the fact that I'm happy to be alone...maybe I need to socialize. I literally don't have any friends. Like, I do, but I don't. At least the toxic ones are gone, but the closest ones feel far away.

It's fine, I'm cool with it.

But insanity starts when you're stuck in your head too long.