Today, I was drawing and my mom happened to be watching me. Then she wanted to see what else was in my sketchbook. Now, I don't know if this applies to artists everywhere, but I'm gonna take the long shot and assume (oh my) it applies to most of us: we don't like to just let anyone into our sketchbooks. That's our personal sanctum, a place for just us to be free. Right?
Shaking (as is inevitable when I'm nervous) the entire time, I did it. I showed her some. I don't think she liked it very much, apart from the intricate doodles. She likes those to some degree, I think.
Well, as some of you might know, I am a traditional Catholic. As is my immediate family. As is my mother.
You see where I'm going here?
She wishes I would do more religious art. Don't get me wrong, I would love to; my skills are simply [in my opinion] inadequate for such a solemn and reverent practice and I much prefer to do religious pieces when I feel a deep stirring in my soul to do so. The rest of the time, it is merely to work in tandem with my writing and to keep my mind from imploding on itself. I need my characters. I need to be able to doodle and "vent" on paper by putting confusing emotions into fictional beings so I no longer have to bear it. Call it a coping mechanism, call it therapy; drawing is just cathartic for me.
OH HOW I LOVE BEING AN ARTIST IT FREAKING SUCKS ALL THE TIME
YOU HATE YOURSELF AND OTHERS WISH YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING ELSE
YOU'RE ALWAYS STRIVING TO IMPROVE BUT IT'S NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH
I SHOULDN'T SWEAR, SOMEONE STOP ME PLEASE.
UGH.
TEAR ME APARTWHY CAN'T YOU APPREIATE ME FOR WHAT I AM AND WHAT I DO
APPRECIATE WHAT'S PLACED BEFORE YOU,
STOP KILLING US WITH CRITICISM THAT IS UNHELPFUL
WHEN WE ARE OUR OWN WORST CRITICS
I'M SICK OF BLEEDING ONTO PAPER ONLY TO BE JUDGED
FOR TRANSGRESSIONS I DIDN'T COMMIT
AND THINGS I CAN'T EXPLAIN
LIKE HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD??
SOME THINGS HAVE TO BE ILLUSTRATED RATHER THAN SAID
MY ART ISN'T AS DEEP AS YOU THINK, YET DEEPER THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW
SO STOP LOOKING FOR WHAT ISN'T THERE
BECAUSE I'M SICK OF THIS AND I JUST WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DISAPPEAR.
Long story short: I don't want to show my sketchbook ever again. I'm sick of hearing comments on how my characters look "evil" or "scary" or things are too "violent" and "dark" and then they're like wHaT iS gOiNg oN WiTh YoU if they see something that's actually tied to a writing project so it looks a lot more mentally sick than it really is...
Ugh I am so sorry that I'm a bad example...
YOU ARE READING
losing yourself
Non-FictionI'm not asking for empowerment, I'm asking you to listen. I think too much and I obsess over things that don't matter. Mature because I don't have a filter. Updated only when I feel like it. //I don't own the artwork on the cover, just feel like it...
