Restoration

Chapter 01

What is love? What is so powerful in the word love that makes us mistake it with something that's not real? I got myself into this situation, so frankly I have nobody else to blame but myself. When you're young, you're dumb and curious. You think you met the right person and you end up marrying at a very early age. What I wanted were a husband and a baby, but when I got it, I wanted my freedom. I wanted the world. I'm sure Steven feels the same as I do. But to be honest, who wants to get divorced now? Guess I better shut up and suck it up. I mean, I got myself into this situation, right? Am I unhappy? Yes, but at the same time, I don't regret having my kids. It's not all that bad.
"Craig came out to me," Natasha says pouring us each a cup of coffee. She's been our neighbor for more than fifteen years. Her husband use to be such a nice guy, but he passed away in a car accident a few years ago. "He's gay."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with that, is there?" I laugh and take my cup from her that she placed on the table. "It's fashion, Natasha."
"It makes me think that I did something wrong, Ellie. Like, I wasn't a good enough mother to him," she says giving me a painful look. I sigh and sit up straight. Advice? Geez, I'm the best at it.
"It's nothing you did that made him choose that lifestyle. Maybe he was born gay. Honestly, I saw it in him since he was a little boy. The best you can do is love him and help him embrace this life."
"Sometimes we make choices that lead to our self-destruction. I'm just scared that he will come to a point where he has regret and suicidal thoughts, Eleanor. I can't lose him either," she says. Doesn't my advice ever mean anything to anybody? "You have a point, though. The only thing I can do is support him. I better find a church."
"What will a church do except gossip the living crap out of you?" I ask with a giggle and take a sip of my coffee.
"Eleanor, if I can't get my son right, nobody else will, but God!" she goes off on me. I put my cup down and look at her. Honestly, I feel very never minded about everything. That's just who I am. I never felt punished for that, so why should I change that? "God is my only hope, okay? At least I have something to fight for. You don't even care."
"You're damn right I don't care," I say to her and sit back in my chair. "Why should I?"
"Because you're a mother and a wife," she replies. I roll my eyes and look at the time around my arm then back at her. Why should I be a mother and a wife when I'm not being treated like it?

It's quite late. Kids are out partying somewhere and Steven is probably working late. I haven't heard a thing about him yet, but that's okay with me. I look at the few pills in my hand. How can I explain this? I'm not addicted, I can stop when I want, but I feel like I need it more and more each day. Yes, I'm using drugs just as you thought. It's my only comfort and escape from this life.
I wash it down my throat with my glass of wine that's placed in front of me. My attention gets drawn by my daughter that enters the house. She's wearing a crop top, short jeans, and her hair loose. She's beautiful. If I had a body like that, I'd be bragging about my curves as well. Andrea is younger than her brother. It's only the two of them I have.
"You still up?" she asks. I remain quiet and just watch her. "Oh, Devin sends his greetings."
"Tell him hi from me," I reply and get up from my chair. "Guess who's gay. Craig."
"Oh," Andrea raises an eyebrow and folds her arms. "Wow. That hit differently. How's Natasha handling it?"
"Not so good. You know her," I laugh and drink up the last bit of my wine. "I saw it coming from a mile away. Now she wants to go find some church to help."
"Well, maybe it will do her good," Andrea says and smile softly at me. "Mom, why don't we find a church as well?"
"Waste two hours of a week on what?" I ask and turn my back on her heading down the hallway. "Hear how I must honor my lovely husband and stand behind him? Not happening."
We're raised in a tradition in the church where the husband is the only one allowed to make choices and the wife only belongs in the kitchen. The wife has no place on the sports field.