Restoration

Chapter 12

The drive back home is annoyingly quiet. I simply stare out of the window not daring to say a word. My heart feels raw. It's not broken, just not whole.
"I'm so hungry," Sean chuckles with his sister. She agrees in laughter.
"Should we get fast food?" Steven asks. I glance at him then at the kids.
"I made a chicken pie that we can warm up," I reply and scratch my chin. To be honest, I have no desire to eat anything now. Mom should've been here now. Nobody could translate to me better than she could.

I take my necklace off and put it in my jewelry box. Steven enters the room slowly and leans against the door. What is he even looking at?
"Will you be able to buy Andrea a new bag?" he asks. I raise an eyebrow and laugh awkwardly. "What?"
"I'm empty," I reply and inhale deeply folding my arms.
"How can you be empty? I just paid 1000 into your account," he says upset. I'm a housewife. Steven pays a certain amount each week into my account to get things for the house and the kids.
"I bought groceries," I reply innocently.
"1000 on food?" he asks unhappily.
"Half, okay?" I reply annoyed and kick off my shoes.
"Then where's the rest?" he asks in nearly a shout. I stand up straight and look at my bedside. Pills are laying there. It frustrates the living crap out of me suddenly.
"I gave it to the church!" I yell at him, grab the pills and throw them in the trash mumbling for only my ears, "I'm done playing with you Satan. Go to hell."
I turn around and point my finger at him.
"I will not explain myself to you and I'm not fighting with you tonight. When you follow Jesus, you will understand why I did that," I say to him and bring my hand down. My body feels shaky and it feels as if I'm out of my body. "In the end, you will have to choose, Steven. Whether it's between me or Charmaine, just make sure Jesus is part of your choice."
He just stares at me. I inhale deeply and place my hand on my mouth.
"I need to pray," I whisper to myself and run past him. Steven grabs my arm gently just as I pass him. Our eyes meet.
"Where are you going?" he asks. His eyes became so soft suddenly.
"Outside," I reply and look worried at him. He inhales deeply and lets go of my arm. "You can come with me if you like, but I need to talk to God before I lose it."
I walk out in a rush. There's this burning desire in me to talk my whole heart out with God. I need peace in my heart towards Elliott and the divorce coming up. It never bothered me, but now I somehow can't stand the thought of Steven leaving me for another woman. I'm his wife!

"God, you sure are full of surprises, aren't you?" I say and walk up and down in the little building trying to choose the right words at the right time. "I can't forgive him. I know You want me to, but I don't know how. I got so lost in everything that I forgot what the most important factors are in life. Christ, love and freedom. Guess I'll never be free if I don't forgive. Elliott left us and when we didn't know why, You did. When I grew up without a dad, You were right there waiting for me to call upon your name. He might be my father, but I belong to You."
I grab my face and go down on my haunches. I hug my knees starting to cry.
"God, please help me forgive him. Please help me make peace," I cry softly and take a seat looking up. "God, I nearly failed again. Why were there pills on my bedside? Is Steven testing me? Thank you for giving me the Holy Spirit to reject them. God, I felt peaceful when Steven announced a divorce, but now...I'm not ready. I know you're the God of restoration. Please restore my marriage."
I never thought I'd sit here asking God to restore my marriage after telling Natasha that God can have him. I didn't care at that time and I swear I've repented, but now I feel that I need to repent again and again until things fall in line. I mistook Christianity and marriage and both my family and myself suffered under it. Thing is, Christianity isn't a religion. With religion comes rules and judgment. This is a personal relationship with Christ. The moment you start feeling obligated to go to church, it's no longer living for Jesus. It's living for religion. So until I never knew that, I forgive myself for saying those things and I repent all over again, this time from the depth of my heart.

I don't know how long I prayed last night, but I went to bed and Steven was there. Maybe he decided to sleep at home since it was so late already. I got in bed next to him and laid there staring at him. I couldn't stop thinking that, that could be our last night in one bed. Twenty years of marriage, and this is what we choose?
I woke up all alone. That didn't bother me, but the knock on my door did. I felt uneasy and somehow unexpected.

"It's a lovely home you have," Elliott says looking around and then back at me. I take a seat in front of him passing his juice to him.
"Thanks," I reply and sit back holding my glass in my hands. "So, are you married?"
"Yes. I'll introduce you to her," he replies and sits forward. "Eleanor, I just want to apologize. I know it won't fix anything, but I'm sorry. I never should've left."
"If my kids could forgive me for what I've done to them, I can forgive you," I reply with a heavy sigh sitting forward.
"Thank you, Eleanor," he smiles relieved and grabs my hand that rested on my glass on the table. "God has done so much great things for me. From now on, everything I do will be for Him. Can I please pray with you, child?"
"Sure," I nod my head unsure and sit forward giving my hands. He takes both my hands and bows his head.
"Father God, I call unto You in the name of Jesus Christ. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to make peace with my daughter. We ask Your will be done in our lives. I ask for your hand of protection over Eleanor and her family. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen."
I open my eyes and look at him. My body feels whole again. Everything inside of me is alive.
"Thank you," I thank him and let go of his hands. It feels as if the worst things in life disappeared. The chains are broken. God, You did it...AGAIN! "So, any kids?"
"Yes," he nods and folds his arms on the table. "I have three sons with my wife. I told them about you last year when I got saved."
"So, you've been in this church since last year and I only see you now?" I ask amazed. It's funny how God chooses the time for people to meet where they could've met any other time.
"Gee, there are so many people, I can't keep up with everyone," he chuckles awkwardly and rubs the back of his head. I nod in agreement and look at Steven that came in from outside with an odd look on his face.
"You good?" I ask him. He looks at me and with no reaction, goes up to the room. I give a heavy sigh and look at Elliott. "Please excuse me."
"Sure. Go ahead."
I get up from my seat and follow Steven's trail. He gets upset easily, but I might have never seen him this unhappy. When I got in the room he paid no attention to me at all. He just sits there on the bed with his head in his hands.
"Steven, are you okay?" I ask and approach him. He looks annoyed up at me. "What's the matter?"
"Charmaine flipped at me," he says and gets up going to his bedside and opening it. I follow him with my eyes. "I don't understand it. She never minded me coming home, now all of a sudden it's a problem that I slept here last night."
He takes everything out of his bedside and throws it on the bed including his wedding band. I take a seat on the bed and reach out to take it. I never even noticed him walking around without it.
"Did you leave her a message or tried to call her to tell her you're sleeping here?" I ask him and put his ring on my thumb. It's too big for my fingers. "She might've been waiting for you to go to her only to find that you are not."
He remains quiet and just stares at his empty drawer. Steven is a great man. He's absolutely amazing and I hope that if he doesn't stay, she will appreciate him. His eyes meet mine.
"Did you ever feel that way?" he asks. I look up and pull in my lips. My eyes feel watery and there's a lump stuck in my throat.
"It's disappointing, Steven. That's all I can say. Imagine you waiting for a brand new car to arrive and then it just doesn't happen. This is different for me though. It's something that you can't buy, control, or keep to yourself, but desire to be with. You're looking forward just for that three minutes or seven hours with them, but then they never turn up, not even for a second."
He rubs his hand over his face and look at me. I didn't mean for this to hurt him, but it's only the truth.