Because of You

Chapter 16: The Wildflowers

As expected, I land the role of drill team captain, and Maggie secures her spot as co-captain. Normally, I would be absolutely thrilled and looking forward to the semester, but I'm not. Mom is completely ruining everything. I try to be happy and excited though, for Maggie's sake. She's worked so hard and she really deserves this. I want her to be excited and enjoy it all.

Sitting with Hayden at our favorite local Italian restaurant after auditions, I hide what's going on inside of me. I want to tell him. I want to tell Hayden how awful my mother has been and how I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I want to tell him that she's purposefully keeping me from him. I want to tell him that things have never been this bad between me and my mom and I don't know how to fix it.

But I don't. I don't because I know he'll feel guilty. I can't put that on him more than it already is. I know he thinks it's his fault. He thinks that Mom is jealous of how Hayden is my whole world now. And maybe he's right. Maybe jealousy really is the root of everything. But I don't care. This is completely ridiculous. Can't she see that I'm happy? Does she not want me to be happy? Would she rather me be stuck crushing from afar, my heart aching for him? Whatever it is, she's being totally selfish. She doesn't want what's best for me. She doesn't want me to be in love. She doesn't want me to be happy. She wants what she wants. She wants to have me all to herself and control everything I do, for her benefit.

But if I tell Hayden, things may get worse. He loves me so much and I know he would do anything for me, like confront my mom. I really don't want him in the middle of this, and I don't want him worrying or feeling guilty. And more than that, I don't want him to accidentally make things worse. I don't want things to really explode. At this point, I don't even know my own mom, and I clearly don't know what she's capable of. If Hayden confronted her, things could get really ugly. So I keep it to myself. I push it far, far down inside me, and try to forget. At least for now.

We talk and enjoy each other's company over dinner. Hayden praises my successful audition and treats me to a lovely dessert. I fake my smiles and pretend that everything is okay. I wish I could tell him. I wish I could be honest and totally let him in. But I know I can't.

**

Now that auditions are over and I'm captain again, the only thing Mom has to talk to me about is dance related. It's Saturday morning and Mom is getting some work done at the kitchen table. We briefly chat about formations for our routine next week, but that's it. Then I tell her I'm going over to Maggie's for the day and to spend the night. But I'm not. After packing an overnight bag, I head to Hayden's. Jana is gone for the weekend, visiting a friend. So I plan to stay with Hayden. He just doesn't know it yet.

I get to his house, and he greets me at the door with a warm, soft kiss. And I finally relax. I can breathe. Instantly all the tension I've been holding in my body releases. How does he have this effect on me? When I'm with him, everything is okay. And just for a moment, the outside world doesn't exist.

"What do you want to do today?" he whispers as he kisses my face all over.

"Anything," I say as I kiss him passionately. "Anything, as long as I'm with you."

**

We take Daisy to the park and walk the trails for about two hours. Hayden tells me all about how he's about to get a raise at work. He's loving managing the grocery store, and his district manager always raves about his performance. He told Hayden that he has a real shot at climbing up the ladder into the corporate world with the store if he keeps it up. And I can tell, Hayden's thrilled. He always said he wanted to be a CEO one day, and he's on his way there already. My heart fills up with pride and excitement for him. He deserves to accomplish his dreams. If anyone deserves what they want, it's him.