Because of You

Chapter 17: The Pink Fuzzy Pillow

A few hours have passed, but it feels like it's been decades. I haven't come out of my room, and I don't think my mom has either. I feel sick. I can't stop sweating, and I have the worst headache of my life. I'm running on about an hour of sleep, I haven't had water or food today, plus the lack of caffeine is making me feel groggy. All of that mixed with the worst stress of my life is killing me. My mind hasn't stopped racing since the fight, and the purple walls of my bedroom feel like they're closing in on me.

I think back to this morning with Hayden. I wish with all my might that I could be back in the security of his arms. I think of his face when he woke up, with the sun shining on his beautiful skin, and my heart aches.

What does she think that fight accomplished? Why in the world is this such a massive problem for her? Why can't she see that Hayden is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me? Can't she see that I'm truly happy with him? Does she really not want me to be happy? Does having a daughter that goes to a prestigious college mean more to her than my happiness? None of this makes any sense.

I push down the vomit rising in my throat. I roll over on my bed and start to journal all my thoughts. But I can't get myself to focus enough to actually write. I can't stop thinking about the eerie look in her eyes. Rage. Total rage. I've never seen that look from my mom before. Her red skin, the vein in her neck, her nostrils flaring. I shutter.

I don't understand what exactly has driven Mom to total rage. She was so supportive of our relationship in the beginning. What changes? But the fact that our relationship and this college situation has brought up a whole new version of my mom that I've never seen before terrifies me to a degree I can't express. It's like she's transformed into a completely different person. I think about the Mom that took me and Maggie to get pedicures on my birthday. The Mom that, for two years, dreamed with me about dating Hayden. Where did that Mom go? And even more than that, I just don't understand. It makes no sense. Why is me going to New York, far away from her, so much more important than me being in love? Wouldn't a mom be happy that their daughter, and only family member, wants to stay close by?

I replay our fight over and over in my head until I feel insanely lightheaded. I walk into my closet, close the door and leave the lights off. I sit down on the floor in complete darkness and total silence. My mind feels like it's swirling. My throat feels like it's closing up and my hands are clammy. I rub them on the carpet, wrap my arms around my knees, and bury my face in my arms. I try to focus on my breathing, but it feels out of my control. My face is hot, and tears won't stop pouring out of my eyes. My head is pounding from all of the crying, and I still struggle to catch my breath.

Is this what it will be like? If Hayden and I stay together, would my relationship with my mom vanish? Would we just fight all the time? Would we just not talk anymore? Would she ever be happy for me? Would she come to the wedding? Could we come home for Christmas? Or is this the line in the sand? Is giving up New York for Hayden going to completely destroy my relationship with my mother? I grab my thick winter coat and scream as loud as I can into it.

**

It's almost nine PM. I've been in my room for over nine hours. I slipped out once around five to go to the bathroom and get water, but mom was nowhere in sight. I'm still running on basically no sleep, and I feel even physically worse than I did earlier.

I pace back and forth in my bedroom for probably the one thousandth time. The only sound is my heavy breathing and the slight click of the ceiling fan. My room feels like it's getting smaller and I'm getting bigger. Like that scene from Alice In Wonderland, where she becomes a giant and bursts through the house. That's exactly how I feel.