Because of You

Chapter 18: The Text Message

Five AM. I check my phone, expecting messages or missed calls from Hayden. But nothing. I'm disappointed, but I know that would just make things so much harder. I slowly stumble down the hall and into the kitchen. It's Monday morning. I barely slept last night. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. When I would finally fall asleep, I would dream of Hayden and all of the heartbreak and grief came flooding back. I've barely slept in the past two days, and didn't eat anything yesterday. Tired, nauseous, weak, and suffering from a horrific headache, I get a whiff of coffee. The only thing that feels warm and comfortable about this house right now is that smell.

Mom is standing at the coffee pot pouring her second cup. She's wearing her mauve bathrobe, with hair wrapped up in a towel. I stop as I enter the kitchen, her back still to me. I don't know what I'm walking into. Considering her behavior the past few months, who knows which version of her I'll get this morning. I'm standing in the kitchen, her back still facing me, not knowing what to do next.

But I guess she already heard me coming, since she turns around and says, "Coffee?" She's expressionless

She's not my normal, loving mom, but she's not the total rage monster I met last night. I nod and walk up next to her. I grab my favorite mug from the cabinet. It's a New York mug she gave me for Christmas a few years ago. I remember that Christmas morning. Everything was perfect. Nothing but joy, love, and Christmas spirit filled our home. And now, it's different. I look at this mug and I don't get those warm, joyful feelings. All I think of is losing Hayden. That's all New York will ever mean to me now.

"I broke up with Hayden." I bluntly say.

Mom instantly turns her whole body in my direction. A look of shock and relief washes over her face. I think she's partially grinning. "Really?" She asks, hopefully.

"Yeah." I keep my expression blank and take a deep breath in. "I guess I just thought... it would be best. Like you said." I lie, trying to hide the utter defeat and heartbreak in my voice.

She exhales loudly and sets her mug down on the counter. "Well I think you're right. I think that was a smart decision. I'm very proud of you. And trust me, your future self will feel proud and thankful too."

Will I, though? She gives me a little half smile and tilts her head. But I'm at a loss for words. I muster up a fake smile and nod. She grabs her coffee and heads to her room to finish getting ready, while I stand glued to the kitchen floor, feeling like someone punched me in the stomach.

"Want to get donuts this morning?" She happily calls from the other side of the house. And now I realize, everything is back to normal with Mom. Hayden is out of the picture, I'm set to go to New York, and all is right in her world.

"It's not the first day of school, though?" I reply.

"Well, I guess I just figured, why not?" She smiles and chuckles.

I fake a smile back at her. "Sure," I reply, less enthusiastic as she.

I stare out the window, and the lump in my throat becomes too powerful for me to suppress. I accept my defeat, and the tears begin to stream down my face.

**

We grab donuts on the way to school and Mom talks nonstop about a situation that happened last week with a few of her students. But I can hardly focus. I nod and mumble a few "hmms" and "ohhs" here and there. But I can't stop thinking about how no one else knows about the breakup. I'm walking into school today as a whole new person. Broken, empty, and alone. I'm mentally and emotionally not prepared to deal with this.

You know that montage in New Moon where Bella is depressed, just staring out the window after Edward leaves? Yeah, that's basically what the day is like for me. Luckily after school Maggie and I meet up in the courtyard. I texted her late last night to tell her that we broke up and that I would give her details at school. Sitting in the courtyard, finally with some privacy, I tell her all about my Mom's range monster episode and all the thoughts I had afterwards.