Because of You

Chapter 19: The Letter

September 21, 2020

Dear Hayden,

Hi. I know this is strange, but I hope this letter finds you well. I know this is totally out of the blue and probably very unexpected. But I felt that it was time I wrote to you.

It's been eight years. Eight years since I made one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make - letting you go. You deserve an explanation. You deserve much more than that, actually.

Hayden, I truly loved you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so fortunate to experience true love at such a young age, with the most perfect person. I didn't deserve the way you loved me. You were kind, respectful, encouraging, protective, and most of all, you made me feel so incredibly loved and seen. It was the kind of love girls pray for their entire lives. It was the kind of love that makes you feel like you're in a dream. A fairytale. You were everything to me, Hayden. My best friend, my biggest supporter, my confidant, my safe place. And I want you to know that I truly cherish the love we had for each other and our time together.

I remember everything so vividly, like a movie. And in all honesty, I think about you and our time together often. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if it was a daydream. It feels like another life. Never had I felt so deeply, loved so unapologetically, and lived so fully than I did with you.

I didn't break up with you out of a lack of love. I had absolutely nothing in my heart but the strongest love for you. I broke up with you out of fear. Fear of my mom and where our relationship was headed, and fear of how she would come between us. I couldn't deal with the anxiety anymore. So I chose to lose you to fix things with her.

 Am I happy about that choice? No. I hate that I did that to you, and if I could go back, I would stand up to my mom and fight for us. I want you to know that I deeply regret not fighting harder for our love. But I know all things worked out the way they were meant to. I know you're happily married with a son now, and I'm genuinely so happy for you. You deserve it.

And while I did want to write to you to apologize for blindsiding and hurting you, I'm also writing this letter to say thank you. Thank you for ultimately leading me to my happily ever after. I've been married for four years now, and I truly believe that you played a massive part in leading me to him. You see, no one that I dated after you ever made me feel the way you did. No one ever treated me the way you treated me, or spoke to me the way you did. No one made me feel safe and comfortable the way you did. Until Dean.

I had a crush on Dean for months, but he didn't really notice me. Until one day, he asked me to get coffee. I already knew the kind of man he was by being his good friend, so when he asked me out for coffee, I was already very confident in my feelings for him. He proceeded to call me the next day and ask me on a real date, just like you did. He left me gifts, brought me coffee and flowers, cooked me dinner, and wrote me letters. Just like you did.

And because the way he pursued me was so similar to the way you pursued me, I knew it was real love. I literally thought to myself, "This is how it felt with Hayden." And because of that, I knew he was the one I would marry very early on in our relationship. I hadn't felt the way I felt with you again until Dean, so I knew this was something special. And this time, I made sure I fought for it.

I tell you all of this to say thank you. Thank you for loving me so well, and showing me what true love is like. Because if you hadn't, I think I would have mistaken some other relationships for love when they weren't. Because of you, I knew what true love was. Because of you, I knew how I should feel and how I should be treated in a relationship. Because of you, I knew what real respect and kindness from a man was like. And because of you, I'm so incredibly happy and in love today.

Hayden, I am so sorry for hurting you. I want you to know that I've felt so guilty for so long. Hurting you the way I did is truly the worst thing I've ever done and I've hated myself for it. I'm hoping you have or will find it in your heart to forgive me.

I hope you're happy and doing well. You really deserve all the happiness and love in the world. Thank you again for everything, and for the love you gave me. You will always have such a special place in my heart. Please know that.

With love,

Bridgette