Deception

Chapter: Fourteen

Chapter: Fourteen

When you live in this world, you're inevitably going to face conversations like this. Heartbreaking conversations that are going to hurt you. Where you're questioning everything while the other person seems to be doing the same thing as they question and accuse you of doing things? Sometimes you listen to the person and realize some of what they're saying is correct.

He's right that I shouldn't expect this from him. His handsome face is tortured, and it breaks my heart. It takes me a moment to clear my throat and wipe my eyes before I speak again. I need him to understand, or maybe I want to take another chance to defend myself. Maybe it's my own selfish feelings and desire to defend myself that motivates me to speak now, but I do.

"I've never asked you to be celibate and I don't expect you to, okay? You deserve to be able to be with someone else. If you want that. You deserve to have sex with whoever you want. If you want to go out and have sex with twenty women, that's your right. Although, I wouldn't recommend it. Can angels get STDs? Well, if so, I guess Liam would have one now, right?" I questioned weakly.

"He's never gotten one," Niles answered with a frown.

"That's good," I say, suppressing a sob.

I've just told him all these lies that I couldn't force myself to believe. In a sense, it's as though I'm attempting to grant him his freedom from me if it could ever be that easy. I was beginning to believe I was an annoying disease that there was no getting rid of. I was trying to tell him he could have sex with someone else when the thought of that hurt me so much. We'd had sex so many times and I had been the only one. The only one he'd ever had sex with. For once in my life, I was special. I had been his only until he broke it with Clary just like that. It wasn't that it was her, either.

The thought of him going on to have sex with other women was overpowering. I didn't want to picture him becoming like Liam. Someone who had sex with numerous women never has feelings for any of them. Probably all of them would be more beautiful than me. It was as if with each person he'd get with, I'd become a distant memory to him. What we shared would become a distant memory that would get further and further from his mind until it disappeared.

Worse yet, the feeling he would no longer love me. I didn't deserve his love, but I wanted it. Not having it was not something I wanted to think about. Niles had loved me and I didn't want that to change. Despite my anger and cold shoulder toward him, I was still selfish enough to want his love. After hurting him, I didn't deserve it, but I didn't think I could live without it. I loved him and it hurt. If I didn't have his protective love, then what else did I have? How would I make this?

"Britt, don't cry," Niles pleaded. "I don't want you to cry over this. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted that."

"I know," I nodded as the tears started falling all over again

"It's not enough, is it?" he responds softly.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I believe you; I believe both of you. I wish that was enough to help me forgive you, but I can't right now. You didn't mean to hurt me, but you did."

"I know, and I'm so unbelievably sorry for that. I will regret it for the rest of my life just as I will regret and wish so many things had been different."

His emotional pain was too much for me right now, and I didn't want to listen. I also didn't want to shut the door in his face. I couldn't do that to him, but it was physically too painful to look at him. I wanted nothing more than to cry into his arms and feel his embrace that always comforted me and made me feel safe. Another part of me wanted to have sex with him.