Deception

Chapter: Twelve

Chapter: Twelve

"Liam, that wasn't your fault," I insisted.

It broke my heart he felt this way. The things I wanted him to be sorry for he wasn't, but he was sorry for the things he couldn't help. He did care, and that fact bothered him to no end. I wanted him to be sorrier for what he'd done to me. It's not as though it would change anything, but it would be justice in a sick sense and a chance he regretted his actions. He needed to know the things that he couldn't be blamed for. The guilt he shouldn't feel, but actually did. Perhaps he deserves guilt, but not for what he didn't do.

"I'm supposed to have everything under control. I've got to do this if we have any hope of getting through this. Look what's happening to everyone. We're done if we don't learn to accept and adapt to this new normal. There can be no weakness. Not from anyone, and especially not me."

Of course, he often acted as the de facto leader, so he'd try to put it all on himself. Like he wasn't allowed to show emotion because he had to be strong for everyone else. It seemed like anger was the only emotion he allowed himself to feel and show regularly. The one that was most damaging among them.

I didn't want to adapt to death and loss, and I felt like that was something I shared with everyone else. I lost my dad, and that loss was unimaginable, life-changing, and heartbreaking enough. I hadn't needed to lose three more people who'd become equally important to me in such a short amount of time. It was too much. I was slightly beginning to understand his thought process.

"You feel guilty like we all do, and you hate that. You're trying to hide how you feel. None of what happened was your fault. So don't blame yourself."

"How could you stand there and say that to me after all you've blamed me for? All that I did." he looked to me in both confusion and annoyance.

"I blame you for a lot of things, but Abel dying wasn't one of them. You gave up Xaviers freedom so you could save them and you hated that. I don't think you've forgiven yourself because you feel like you betrayed him as his father."

"That child's death is one of the main things I should be blamed for. I did betray Xavier as his father. Not because I forced him into a war to save a woman and child. Because Xavier was always a moral man of honor, someone not like his father. No, I blame myself for sacrificing him for no reason, as in the end, it didn't save Abel. It only bought him time to live out his short life."

"Don't do that when you couldn't have known."

"I didn't want to kill those women. They were innocent and didn't deserve what happened to them. We all regret our part in their deaths and all that occurred. Victor chose them and when we stopped serving God, we served him. We couldn't have said no. We will always regret that. We've done a lot of horrible things and made a lot of horrible mistakes. I won't regret killing any of those gang members or helping to kill Amon. Don't assume much of anyone else does, either."

"I get it okay? You disagree with me about that. The truth is a part of me hates them too. I'm not sure which of them I hate most. They were beyond evil but don't get comfortable killing them. Once you do that, it's only going to get worse."

"You mean the way you feel about me?"

"No-well yes, but no, that's not what I mean."

"Then what?" he gazed at me.

"Believe it or not, I know you couldn't help it. I understand Victor was the one who did that. I know he forced you, but that doesn't change it. How horrible they died. That you didn't stand up for them. There had to be something you could do. There just had to be. "