Lost in a Maze

Chapter 31: Breaking my heart.

I didn't sleep that night. How could I, when I was worried sick about Gally? And Alby. And Newt. Everything was going to shit. I thought long and hard about it as Emily mumbled in her sleep, not making any sense.
Newt didn't seem to have slept much either, I could tell by his tired eyes, sloppy appearance. Dark patches under his eyes, long blinks.

I stood beside Gally's bed, gently checking his shoulder sting, mopping his forehead with cold water and taking his temperature. Emily walked in slowly, timid about the fragile atmosphere. "How's he doing?"

"I can't tell," I said truthfully, collapsing in a chair beside him. "You alright?"

"Yeah, just Newt said he wants you. He's by the Doors." She said, leaning against the doorframe.

"Oh, alright. You watch him for me?" I asked, taking a quick glance around the room for knives.
"Yeah no bother." She smiled gently, replacing me at my seat.
It's not that I blamed her for the knife incident, I knew it was an accident. I just wanted to be sure it wouldn't happen again.

I remember that day. It was cloudy, the air perhaps a little chillier than usual. Perhaps it was a reflection of all of our moods, or maybe it was to make them worse. I debated that silently as I strode across the Glade to the doors, listening to the grass gently rustle with each step.

Newt was pacing in front of the Doors very slowly, only looking up from the dirt covered ground once he saw me coming.
"You alright?" I asked him, a bad feeling stirring deep inside me.

"I want to talk to you." He said quietly, leaning against the wall.

I hate when people say things like that. Hate the sudden anticipation it creates, it's more than often a bad thing, rather than good. Acknowledging the anxiety starting to stir in my gut, I nodded. "Alright."

"I don't really know how to say it, or do it." He started, rubbing his eyes. "So I'm just going to say it quickly."
He took a deep breath and clenched his fists as I waited, a terrifying thought hitching in my chest.
"I can't do this anymore. I don't think we should do this anymore." He said clearly, just to be sure I heard it the first time.

I don't know how to describe heartbreak to its fullest. I suppose it's like someone stabbing you right in the chest, right on the source of your happiness. You just feel the happiness slowly drain out of you, getting lesser and lesser each second. As if you'd never be the same again. And the pain, the unbearable pain. Almost like grief.

I felt it. I felt my heart shatter as he said it. I felt the world slow down and almost stop, I felt the happiness slowly drain out of me like a puncture in a water bottle. Suddenly I felt more empty than I had in months. Years, maybe.

I swallowed hard, feeling the tight wires coil around my throat, making it hard to speak. "Why?"

He stared at me, unblinking, his face determined. I could see his eyes get glossier by the second, could feel his hesitance. "I can't live with myself if something happens to you. Things are more dangerous now, and I just can't have that on my shoulders."

I understood what he meant. It was almost like an unsaid understanding, like I could read his mind, feel what he felt. I didn't want to push it if it was hurting him.
"And you think this is best?"
A tear slid down my cheek, and I wasn't ashamed to not hide it.

He exhaled roughly, leaning forward to wipe it away. "Don't cry or I'll cry too." He half chuckled, attempting a smile. "But yeah," He sighed, giving up and allowing himself to cry too. "I'm sorry, I am, I love you Erin but this is what needs to happen."

I wiped away his tear, admiring him for a second, running my thumb along his cheekbone. I knew I couldn't do anything, I had to respect his wishes. I had to. Removing my hand from the side of his face, I turned and walked off, gritting my teeth hard to prevent more tears spilling out.