Carpe Omnia - cash au -

Where I Belong

Cameron POV

I am so close to getting what I want, I'm lying on the bed looking up into the clear blue eyes of the man that I'm desperately in love with and he stops. He gets off me abruptly and he sits down on the side of the bed. He's hunched over and he's running his hand through his hair, I'm confused because we were so close to making love and he just stops. I sit up next to him and when I place my arm around him he flinches.

"Nash?" I whisper and he's so tense, he's completely different than he was just 2 minutes ago.

"I can't do this," he whispers and my heart clenches because I'm afraid of what he means. He loves me, right? We're going to be together again, he's going to let me fix us, right? He has to let me fix us. I can't imagine living another day without his warm smile and his soft kisses. I can't even begin to understand what I was thinking when I let him go. I was delusional and I let my pain cloud my thought process.

"Baby, what do you mean?" I murmur and I start to rub his shoulders gently trying to get him relaxed again.

"You broke my heart, Cameron. For the past three years I've woken up with an ache in my heart that has never completely gone away. And now you're back in my life and I can't... I can't just jump back into a relationship with you as if 3 years haven't gone by, as if you didn't break me. We're different people now, I know I'm not the same as I was and you don't know me anymore. I don't know you anymore. I love you, I love you so fucking much but there's more to a relationship than just love." He says quietly in the most broken tone of voice I've ever heard and honestly, it breaks my heart to hear him say that because I know it's true. He's right.

"You're going to let me make up for what I did, right?" I ask him and it's a selfish question, I just need some reassurance that at the end of all of this we will be together again.

He rubs his face with his hands and although he might have changed, he's wrong when he says I don't know him anymore because I know exactly what that movement means. He's stressed out because he doesn't know the answer to my question. I don't want to lose him when I've just gotten him back.

It might have been a mistake to ask him to come up here, maybe it was too much too soon, I just wanted to be close to him like we used to be.

"A year ago, when you tried to call me and you found I had a new number, you knew where I was Cameron. Why didn't you try to find me? You could have asked my mother for my number, it just seems like you didn't put much effort into contacting me," he says after a while and my heart pangs because he's right.

"I was scared of being rejected. I was scared that you had moved on and if I went up to Princeton you'd be happy with someone new and I didn't want to see that. I was a coward, I guess..." I confess and he shakes his head and scoffs at me.

I'm losing him, every word that comes out of my mouth is the wrong thing to say and I have no idea how to get us back to where we were 10 minutes ago.

"I know you're hurting Nash and I'm so sorry, you don't know how much I regret my actions that day. There is nothing else in my life I regret more than that," I tell him softly and he finally turns his head and looks at me. I hold my breath, wondering if I've finally reached him. I've had a small taste of what being back with Nash would be like and I want more, I want so much more. I want it all.

"I think we should head back home now," he tells me and I feel my heart crack and break because I've completely lost him now. My thoughts race as I try to think of the right thing to say or do to make him take me back into his arms. I feel like I won't be able to breathe without him. When I woke up this morning I had no idea I'd be seeing the love of my life, I feel like maybe I could have prepared myself a little bit more instead of the jumbling mess of thoughts that I've spoken to him.