Mindless

Chapter 14- Raw and Real

~I am starting to realize that every interaction I have with him, short or long, simple or complicated, it draws me in more and more. All the interactions are drawing me back into his life again, but it feels different this time~

The mind and the body can be very contrasting. My body wants this, I want this, but in my head, I know this is wrong. I have committed to being with someone else. Aside from the fact that he is a toxic partner to be in a relationship with, being intimate with someone else is still not right. The conclusion of my relationship/engagement to Lance Hoasher has to be an actual conversation where we both are devoted to the conversation. I could give in to the desires I have craved since before I was eighteen, or I could do the right thing. Lance has not treated me like a life partner should, I have recognized that, but cheating on him is not the route to making this breakup any easier. It seems like it will not affect him in the slightest, but who knows. What Stan just said he wanted to do is more than music to my ears, but I have to tell him we cannot do this. I begin to slide away from him even though he is on top of me.

"I-I can't do this."

Stan starts to move off of me before I continue, "I'm still committed to someone else. Until I end that, I can't keep cheating on him."

Stan stays silent and then says, "Yeah, I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Stan gets up off the couch, "Gonna head to bed, goodnight."

I stand up from the couch as he continues to walk to his bedroom, "Stan, I-"

He slowly turns his body around to look me in the eyes, "What?"

"I just...don't get it. Why did you just-"

"Try to have sex with you?"

Him finishing my question so blunt like that is overwhelming but really hot at the same time, the way he said it...damn, "Yeah."

"Why did you almost let me?"

I do not say anything, I really did not expect him to answer with a follow-up question. He turns back around and goes into his bedroom. I am left standing there speechless. Now I actually have a moment to process what the actual fuck just happened. He was on top of me, kissing me, saying he wanted to make me feel good. Why, though? Why would he of all people want to make me feel good in that way? I am not that lucky. Calling Wendy sounds tempting but I need to let her sleep. I need to get myself some sleep.

A few days have gone by since what happened with Stan. I still have no clue what to make of the situation. If there is a word to use beyond baffling, someone please tell me so I can use it for this situation. I have had to distract myself from it constantly. I have gone into a daze during class with Professor Stanner and the students a couple times. She has told me to just call her Emily but I feel like I should use her professional name. I have been staying on campus later than usual to help with grading and go over lesson plans for the weeks to come. I usually come home around seven o'clock now. Stan has been making dinner for both of us, but my portion usually has to be reheated in the microwave. I am not trying to avoid my temporary roommate, I just need a distraction from this situation, a very long-lasting distraction. Tonight, I get home at six, earlier than usual.

I have planned to give Lance a call after I eat something. If he keeps ignoring my calls and not bothering to respond to any of my voicemails, I do not know what else to do except fly back to Georgia and physically stand in front of him to get his attention. Even doing that would most likely not stop him from walking around me and going straight to his office. The workaholic trait he has is my biggest pet peeve about him. I am all for dedicating yourself to work, but when you say you will dedicate yourself to a person and then simply not for a whole year and counting, that is despicable on so many levels. Stan exits his bedroom and retrieves a white bath towel from the linens closet. He probably walked in shortly before I did. I lightly toss my keys on the small table by the front door and remove my white sneakers. Stan fixates his eyes towards me and we make eye contact. I feel a blush creeping up in my face, hopefully it does not make itself noticeable.