Mindless

Chapter 4- Crowd of Emotion

~It is all a big jumble of confusion and unfinished business that I do not plan on finishing anytime soon, or maybe ever. Goddamnit, get out of my head, get out of my head~

I just boarded the plane. I have finally done it, I am going back to my hometown. As I have predicted it will be pretty odd when I actually go to South Park to have dinner with Wendy. Excitement has teamed up with my nerves of being afraid. This is the closest I have ever gotten to going back. The coward in me feels guilty for not making an attempt to visit sooner, except I am not visiting, I will be in Colorado until the first month that summer begins. Jesus, have I done something dumb?

Wendy texts me to make sure I let her know I have had a safe flight. The plane takes off shortly after I get situated in my seat. A mother is beside me with her son, he looks to be about four or five. He has these really green eyes, similar to mine. She is trying to occupy him with something to do. She has suggested picking a movie to watch on his tablet or play games on it. He is a bit fussy. The mother is sighing in frustration but she is doing well with keeping herself calm and collected. My laptop sits on the pull-out tray along with my small computer mouse. The couple essays due soon for my classes are all partly finished. I have been hopping back and forth between them, typing a few sentences here and there. Most of my work is done while I am in class with Professor Quindo. When he is doing a lecture I am in the corner quietly doing online school.

The son is becoming a little whiny, the mom glances over at me, "I'm sorry about him."

"He's alright, m'am. No worries."

She flashes an apologetic but thankful smile. She tries to go back to reading her book while her son is fidgeting with his tablet. I cannot even imagine what her world is like every day as a parent, a young parent. She looks like she's about twenty-one or twenty-two. She seems harmless; a hardworking mom trying to make her son's life the best it can be. My fingertips gently hit the keys of my laptop. This essay will hopefully be done by the end of the flight, or if I am lucky, sooner. Doing school online is not a walk in the park, it's hard work; always having to be on my laptop checking for new assignments and getting done what I can in a day.

There will be so many nights of collapsing on my keyboard from utter drowsiness. Lance would wander into the kitchen at some late hour of the night for a glass of water, then find me sleeping soundly against the small black keys. He used to gently wake me and help get me up to bed after he retrieved a glass of water. He stopped doing that after a while because that first time I awoke at the table, he was coming down the stairs in his soft navy-colored robe, and all that stumbled out of his mouth was, "Late night?" There is so much that's wrong with him. I've been beyond curious about where the hell the right in him went. If only he could flip the switch, maybe if there was a switch that would be helpful.

I land in Colorado at last. I take a deep breath just as the plane wheels graze the pavement. This was never supposed to happen again. Setting foot back in the state even makes me second-guess this decision. Shivers go down my spine, it's not like they came out of nowhere, they know exactly why they let themselves occur. It's this darkness I have gone back to at my own will. The distractions that went on for so long, the time that has ticked. If I regret this, which I feel like I might, it'll haunt me for God knows how long. Jesus, if people heard all this from me they'd tell me to get the fuck over myself, well, people who didn't know the story. Fuck, the story.

The ride to the hotel is quiet. The driver knows exactly where it is so a GPS is not necessary. I lean my head back and close my eyes. This has to be a dream. No, I'm not that lucky. There is no melodramatics to be found here. I knew I would get hurt if I let my feelings speak instead of my brain. Who wants to be heartbroken? Not me. My future is important and up for a real big step in the right direction. I couldn't deny this offer. I could be incredibly successful if I keep going down this career path. I want it.