Mindless

Chapter 10- Show Don't Tell

~Inside, very far within myself, I have a small amount of confidence that is still working on coming out of the shadows, it is a gradual process. I could always test the waters, right now. The test begins as I walk up to him~

Is this wine actually getting to my head? This is totally inappropriate; telling Lance how I feel over the phone while I am in Stan's home. Those are two issues with my on-the-spot decision just now. I am not ignoring the fact that I need to talk to my fiancé, but right now may not be a great time. The problem with me taking a rain check on this is that it is going to be some time before I will see Lance in person again. When I stepped into Stan's bathroom a moment ago, I planned to call Lance and tell him everything I have been feeling for a tremendous amount of time now. I thought about my actions before actually putting them in motion. Right now, I should just go back out there, have a conversation with a person who means a great deal to me, and set aside time for this later. Right here, right now, is just not the time.

Stan notices me exiting the bathroom, "Quick phone call," He comments.

"Uh, yeah. I'll just call later."

"You all right? Seems to be a lot on your mind," Stan observes.

"How can you tell?" I sigh because he is right, way too right.

"Well, we used to be best friends. I was always able to tell if something was off with you," Stan takes a long sip from his glass.

"Guess that trait never went away," I say to him.

"Look, I've noticed it's a tough topic, but can you please give me an explanation for why you stopped talking to me?" It caught me so off guard, it knocked me off my feet mentally.

I do not say anything for the first few seconds, I finally bring myself to say something, "I don't really know how to put it."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess I don't really know how to put it into words," I look down because looking at him will only make me lose it.

My name comes out of his mouth, "Kyle."

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" He questions with a hint of anger.

"I never meant to upset you," This statement is honest, I was only trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but it backfired and hurt someone else.

"How did you think it was going to make me feel?" Stan wonders.

"I was trying to...I just wanted..." I can't, I can't say it.

"What? What, Kyle?"

"You...you wouldn't understand," I say.

"Then help me understand! Please!" He stands up off the couch and looks down at me.

I feel small with him standing in front of me, "Stan."

"Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to piss you off at the time?" His voice sounds louder, but it might just feel louder coming through my ears because honestly, I am a little intimidated right now.

"No, of course not," I calmly reply.

"Did it ever occur to you how devastated I would be when you left and didn't even say goodbye? It broke something inside me. Whatever the fuck it was is still healing," He downs the last of the wine and storms off into the kitchen.

I am sitting here mortified. Knowing I hurt him makes me feel like the shittiest person in the world. I put up a wall so I would not get hurt from what I truly felt, from what I still feel to this day. Feeling horrible would be the sugared down version of how I really feel. The way I actually feel about ghosting my best friend, there is not a word in the dictionary that can sum it up. I do not blame him, he was never supposed to be the one to get hurt, nobody was supposed to get hurt, that was my entire thought process when I made the decision to break ties with him. At the time, I was not thinking clearly. I was in this mindset of putting myself and my emotions first. There are many other ways I could have went about this, but I chose the worse way. Maybe I should have just fucking told him.