Mindless

Chapter 3- Journey To The Center of Anxiety

~There were times where my heart would hammer so fast over this secret I thought I'd need to have a heart scan. My friends were always aware something was off with me, not in a crazy way but just to the point where they could tell something was always on my mind~

So it turns out that Denver University will be paying for my flight to Colorado. Professor Quindo called me three days after I broke the news to my parents. He let me know that my flight was booked for March sixth at two forty-five in the afternoon. Professor Quindo told the university that my parents live in Colorado so I would not need a hotel room. I could not have asked the university to take care of that as well. My mom never changed my room when I left. She kept it the way it is; she dusts in there every now and then.

I packed up all I could the premature morning of my eighteenth birthday. I had written the note to my family a few days before. The reason I left is a part of me I hold in for a purpose: To never get hurt again, to never experience feelings that will only land me on a ride down Heartbreak Road. I was not hurt on purpose, and honestly the hurt did not last forever. The problem was the secret. My thoughts spent so many days and nights dreaming of a world where that secret was fulfilled and achieved. It was getting in the way of too much, homework, social life, my mental health. This secret of mine set up camp inside my headspace since I first started to discover human attraction.

There were times where my heart would hammer so fast over this secret I thought I would need to have a heart scan. My friends were always aware something was off with me, not in a crazy way but just to the point where they could tell something was always on my mind. They would check in on me frequently in person or by text, but I would just give them the standard answers: Stress from school, parents on my nerves, not getting enough sleep, etcetera. Other than the secret eating away at all my waking hours, South Park did not feel like a great town to live in for any longer. I was sick of being brought up to be this golden child who goes off to college and becomes a doctor. This student who gets straight A's on every report card, every grade. This teenager who never gets blackout shitfaced at parties and sneaks out of their home to do so.

My grades and persona were both key to my parent's wishes. They did everything to make sure I succeeded; constant studying, tutors, school clubs, charity events at school, college scholarship applications, regular grooming, new and clean shoes and clothes, confident attitude during class, the list is as long as a celebrity's department store receipt. They pined for me to present myself to the world as the child of society's biggest dreams. There were moments where I was able to relax from my busy life act. I am not saying that nothing involved in that persona has to do with me, parts of it certainly do, but the persona as a whole was a well-played skit.

Things did die down a tad bit here and there, then they would pick back up soon enough. The weariness of portraying that character was a portion of why I left, it was not the only thing left out of my baggage, though. I left a lot behind, emotionally and physically. Simple as the saying, I needed to get out of my hometown. I leave for Denver in three days. Professor Stanner has sent me my plane ticket provided by Denver University, as well as all the information I will be needing. I am a combination of excited, nervous, and relieved; weirdest combination of emotions I have ever had the knowledge of containing. It is Thursday, March fifth, I leave tomorrow. Lance surprisingly got off early today. He comes in with folders and his notebook, however.

"Welcome home," I greet.

"Got off early because a few people said they'd stay late." He explains, plopping most of his carried items onto the dining room table before removing his shoes, he knows I do not like him walking around the house with shoes worn outdoors on. I sigh because I am not even going to bother saying anything about it. I have got bigger concerns.