On the Petals of a Flower, I found something that does not belong to me

44

For the one who are distrait.

 That day I woke up a month ago after Lan Wanji tried to kill me, Wei Wuxian was already gone. We had no news of him at all. The attacks on the villages had stopped and the monsters were roaming only in their area, around the cave.

 Those who had gone to the cave secretly for information had not returned. Rogue cultivators who went to find something always came empty-handed. And the anxiety was peaking.

 After that day, I never saw Lan Wanji again. I had learned that he was locked up in solitary confinement and given very severe punishments. They didn't tell me exactly what. And I didn't even want to know. It was my fault too. It was his fault too. We were both to blame for the situations we lived in.

 During this month, I recovered well. And I started going on missions with the Sect leaders again. My broken arm, this time it was the other one, had not fully recovered yet and I had to take care of it. But I didn't mind that. I had Des with me. That was all I cared about. I had my support, my friend, whom I loved very much.

 So, that's what happened. We went on missions, won or lost, respectively, battles with the monsters guarding the cave in their area, as if hiding gold, and returned. People were taking care of our wounds until the rogue cultivators were going to bring back any corpses or information and when we recovered and the rogue cultivators were coming back, we were leaving again. We were doing this for a month now already.

 Every time I came back, Des was checking my hand for my birth mark. And each time, she treated my wounds. No one had taught me how to fight and I hadn't learned anything essential. I was going to battles blind, with only my 'experience' to guide me.

 My relationship with Des was the same as always. Maybe even tighter than before. But as far as my relationship with the other disciples and the Sect leaders is concerned, it had also remained the same. They still hated me. And they wouldn't care even if I got killed. Looking at me with disapproval, spitting when I passed by them or avoiding me as if I had cholera. And I heard many say this month, 'Hanguang-Jun was right to do so. He once lost his beloved. He cannot lose him again.'

 Then I thought about how stupid the situation I was in here was. Even if I was the protagonist in this novel, all readers would still like and find Lan Wanji right. Because he had already lost his beloved, from what Des had told me. He had already experienced a tragedy. They could relate to him, feel him as a character. While me, they could only hate me. At most, maybe they will understand me. But never feel me. I had not experienced the drama myself. I was incompetent. A Weakling. If they had killed me an hour earlier, it wouldn't matter.

 So every time we went on missions, we cut the monsters' horns and before they went back to the 'beings', the disciplines closed them in spirit-trapping pouches and took them back with us. In these missions, everyone treated me completely formally. Most avoided me. Others pretended that I didn't even exist when I spoke to them. So when we went on missions I wanted to go back quickly and desperately. Because for someone back there I existed. I was not invisible. I was not a useless extra character. I was me. Myself. For Des, I was just me. I didn't have to be more or less. And that alone was enough for me.

 During this month, we couldn't find anything about how the creatures knew that Wei Wuxian was from Yunmeng. We thought they heard rumors. But deep down no one believed it. There was a traitor among us. And we couldn't find him. Someone told the 'beings' that Wei Wuxian could control corpses. Alex and Daryl had gone on a long journey to find information about the beings. And they had not returned since.

 I turned the corner of the wooden building and eyes fixed on me again. The people passed me and started whispering to each other.

 I sighed. Another day of rest and mental exhaustion. I better not be here and finger pointed. Better to be on missions, where no one cared about me and no one protected me anymore...