On the Petals of a Flower, I found something that does not belong to me

48

It is recommended but not necessary to listen to the music. The author suggests to listen to it while you read the chapter (if that is possible).

 Someone once said: When someone you love dies, and you do not expect it, you do not lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces, little by little, over a long period of time.

 The smell, the smiles, the hand that caught mine to see my mark every time I returned from a mission. The laughter, the teasing, the empty bed across from mine in Gusu's room. Everything was starting to fade slowly.

 In fact, when you lose someone, you mourn forever. You will never get over it. All you can do is compromise. And learn to live with it. Learn to grow around it.

 Others say that by living in the hearts of men, one never dies. But is it really the same? Is a memory equal to the presence, the warmth, the speech that reaches your ears of the other person?

 Not for me. It was not the same. Des was gone. She was no longer with me. But I could not do otherwise. All I could do was cling to those memories with my fingernails and whatever happens to never let them go. As much as it hurt. As much as I was suffering.

 The pain of losing someone is better than them never existing in your life from the beginning.

 My grief and guilt mocked and belittled me. They were insidious and cunning. They caught me just as I was catching the memories not to leave me. And they never left me.

 After that battle, which did not result in anything, the monsters were gone. They had not disappeared, but had gone further into some other mountains. The problem was not completely solved, but a cycle had come to its end. Maybe one day they would build a cave again. And maybe someday, the 'beings' would reappear.

 The 'beings' had disappeared after returning to the cave. Everyone speculated that there might be a gate from which they left, but someone found a hole at the other end of the cave, which apparently they might have gotten out of. They had the power to beat us. We all knew that. We didn't know why they didn't do it. And no one wanted to know.

 When we entered the cave, it was empty. There was no gate anywhere. I would probably never go home. But I didn't care anymore. It was not what I was thinking anymore. Anyway, the cave was destroyed.

 Inside the cave there was only Wei Wuxian, who was unconscious. It was not long before they woke him up. He was fine. And he had reported that since he left, the 'beings' did something to him and he fell asleep. And since then, he remembered nothing. When the doctors checked him, everything was alright. No one knew what they had done to him or if they had really done something to him.

 We still did not know if it was a bluff that they wanted to learn to control the corpses so that we could go there. Nobody knew if they really had something in mind. Many thought they wanted us. By us, I mean me and Des. To kill us. The whole landscape around this battle was cloudy.

 When we got back to Gusu, I went and locked myself in my room. In the room I shared with Des. I had lost all hope. I did not care if I went back. I did not care about anything. I once wanted to be selfish. To think of myself and not the others who are waiting for me behind.

 For two days I did not eat, except that I went out and drank some water. My door was open after those days and many people came and visited me. Oh, how ironic it was. People who used to make fun of me, mock me, hate me and spit on me, came in and gave me their condolences for my friend. They were sitting next to me and talking to me. Telling me to eat. Wanting to show that they care and that they take care of me.

 I was not talking to anyone. I had closed my mouth a long time ago. The mouth that had brought me to my ruin, this mouth, was now sealed.

 When you lose all hope for life itself and all you do is stand and do nothing, the need and instinct for survival force you to get up. And so, without realizing it, I started eating and drinking water normally and walking around the room. I sorted out Des's things and clean them every day or so, before putting them back in place.

 On the seventh day since that battle, Lan Xichen entered my room once again.

 "Maiden Charlie," he said. His voice softened when he saw me. I did not look at him. I was looking beyond him. I was looking inside the void. The void that looked like what I had inside me.

 "We have been telling you for so long to go and see Maiden Des, before we bury her, as you have asked. You did not listen to us. We cannot wait any longer. The body... the body is already altered. It has also started to smell. So, we need to burn it. It has a strange and different smell. Just in case."

 I did not speak. I did not know why he was telling me all this. It was all over. It was all over now. Everything inside me was dead. I felt dead. I had lost track of everything.

 His gaze softened. "We will say goodbye to Maiden Des tonight, on the mountain behind Gusu. You will find us there if you want. We have already said goodbye to the others who left us in that battle," he said and made a turn to leave.

 When he closed the door behind him, tears came out again with momentum. I grabbed my red hair and pulled it hard. And I screamed slowly.

Des was already gone.

 She was back to where we would all end up one day. To the place where I was hesitant to follow her and go. To the place where we were all equal.

 I once said, that since I came here, my saliva has not stopped falling.

 Now, my tears were the ones that could not stop falling.