On the Petals of a Flower, I found something that does not belong to me

50

For you, who have survived, lived and stayed up until now and for the lost ones, who we love the most.

 The day after Des's cremation, all the Sect leaders came to my room to hand me her ashes in a stupid wooden box.

 Lan Xichen left the box on the table. I was sitting away from it, at the other end of the room, with my back to the cold wood.

 I looked at him. He seemed devastated. I never knew if he felt something different for my friend or if he was always like that for everyone and everything. He looked awful. As if he had to sleep properly for seven days, like me.

 The others sat next to him and around the room. No one dared to sit or touch Des's bed.

 "Maiden Charlie, as we told you, we are very sorry for everything that happened," Xichen said. "Maid... Des... was also for us, a valuable friend and ally.... We are very sorry."

 I didn't look at him. I was looking somewhere else. Beyond them. Beyond everyone and everything. I didn't want to remember it. I didn't want to.

 "We will help you find the gate and go back together... even with the ashes of Maiden Des," said Jin Guangyao. "We have already sent people to check on the surrounding areas."

 Silence prevailed for a while. I usually hated this silence. I hated this silence that followed me everywhere from the beginning. But now I hugged this silence tightly. I wanted her. I was looking for her. The Silence did not bother me anymore.

 It was funny. How much everyone hated me before and how much everyone wanted to comfort me now. How two-faced people could be.

 I got up with difficulty and went to the table. I grabbed the wooden box that contained my friend's life as a sanctuary and as if it was about to break. But I did not need it. I did not need any of them here. I did not want to have anything to do with them here.

 I went to where I was before and sat down again. I took the pack of cigarettes out of Des's bag which was now empty. I opened the wooden box. The ashes I saw were no different from the ones you saw when you lit wood in the fireplace.

 With great care I threw Des's ashes into the box of cigarettes. At least she would be there with what she loved so much. I was sure she would approve of the idea herself.

 I threw the wooden box on the floor towards the men and put the box in my pajamas pocket, along with my cell phone. I did not need their own box. I did not want anything of theirs. Nothing.

 Nie Mingjue, obviously upset with my behavior, grabbed the box, but did not speak.

 Someone else, however, spoke in his place.

 "Why do you do that and why are you like that?" did Jiang Cheng. "Do you know how many others died in that battle? Maybe.... your friend died, but many of our other friends died as well. And yet, we are here because we care about you and we want you to be well and we have an obligation to you and a promise that we have given and we must keep. You cannot be like that for the rest of your life. Tell us at least something. Tell us... that you are not well. That you are in pain. Talk to us."

 This time my gaze was distracted from the vast void and fell on him. I looked at him with mockery and disgust. Tell them I'm not well? That I'm in pain? Talk to them? What would that change?

 I scoffed lightly and looked at the floor before my eyes were fixed on him again. "You once told me I deserved to die" my voice came out heavy and thick. How long have I had to speak? "I am just as dead. Are you happy?" I mocked. "Did I get what I deserved? Was I worth worse? And also, as you wished, from now on, I have no intention of ever opening my mouth again. "

 So it happened. From that day, and for a month, I never spoke again.