Moving In With The Enemy

Chapter 32 ~ "It Was All A Lie"

I'm exhausted. 

Dane took me out last night and kept me out late, I wasn't sure why. We went for dinner and then he brought me to a jazz club. I was exhausted after my week at school, my feet hurt from wearing high heels all night and my dress was uncomfortable. 

Was it really too much to ask just to go to a diner or the movies? For us to out on a date where I could wear jeans?

The dates were interesting, I could give him that. I was getting new experiences and the ability to try new foods, but it all felt like a distraction. It felt like a lack of connection being covered up with excitement.

I need to get to know him before tonight. Mom is going to ask things and I can't look shocked that I don't know the answers. I have to know the answers to questions when I've been with him for weeks.

When I couldn't take it anymore last night and just asked if we could call it an early night, he suggested I could come home with him. 

"Just stay with me, it's a lot closer." He whispered, putting his hand on my knee and I blinked.

"I need my stuff, I don't have my clothes or makeup remover." I mumbled, trying to find an excuse. 

"We could pick some remover up up on the way and you could just borrow my stuff to sleep in." He shrugged. "You could just sleep in your underwear too."

My throat tightened at the thought, it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Why can't I loosen up with him, we weren't passed this wall yet and didn't have it in me to let it down.

"Dane." I mumbled, shaking my head and he sighed. 

"Fine, I'll just bring you home." He said, sounding deflated.

I understood why, if I had been in a relationship for this long without any reciprocation of feelings I would be losing it by now. I wasn't what I considered a sexual person, I tried to be open but it was impossible. I wasn't wired to open up physically if I couldn't emotionally.

The worst part was when he walked me to my door, in a confined space at the bottom of my steps and he put his hands on my waist. I knew he wanted to kiss me, I'd been holding out hard on that. When he leaned in I panicked, I just kissed his cheek and gave him a hug instead.

I felt like a moron, I'd only slept in his bed once and I'd regretted it ever since. I just couldn't convince myself to do anything physical.

I was up early today thinking about all of this. Dane agreed earlier this week to meeting my parents, and I was nervous about tonight. I just wanted everything to stop, my mind was so taken over by thoughts it was ruining my ability to think.

I need to fix what's going on with Dane. I need him to get with the program and understand that this wasn't working. He claimed he understood that I was younger and that he could work with the fact that we were different ages with different schedules and lives, but I wasn't seeing it. I was living his life with him, and I didn't like it.

I get up from my bed and run a hairbrush through my hair, trying to work out the knots. It was wavy from sleep but I didn't try to change it. I walk down the hall to the washroom and close the door, going about my morning routine.

Afterwards I just put on something casual. More casual than I normally dressed with Dane, just yoga pants, sneakers and a sweater. I grab my bag, phone, keys and ID and sigh, walking out of the apartment with one goal in mind.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I need to get him to hear me. I want to actually sit down and do something personal with him to see if we're a good fit. As nice as our dates have been, I'm starting to get the feeling that the reason I can't seem to get comfortable with him is because I don't know him.