Marvel Cast And Their Roles X Reader

✮Marvel|Bucky X Reader|I Can't Forgive Myself

I wrote this in english
1. Because I just felt like it
2. Because this is something that happened to me and I just feel more comfortable with writing it down in english

I was sitting in my room on my desk chair, facing the window, looking up in the night sky. Complete darkness surrounded me. I felt alone. I thought about all the things I made wrong. I do that very often, it hurts, every time. It made me become very anxious about the things I do and say. When I say:"I don't know what to say to that." it often just means:"I'm afraid of doing something wrong or saying the wrong thing."
I am so afraid of making mistakes, of failure, that sometimes I simply can't stand a situation and I just have to leave and cry.
When my teacher is asking me something, without me volunteering, even if I know the answer, I'm so overwhelmed by the fear of not being right that I have to 'go to the toilet' shortly after, just to cry and calm down again, just to sit on my chair again to pretend nothing happened afterwards.
I'm tired.

"What are you doing here, alone, in the dark?" Bucky asked as he came from behind, coming to an hold next to me. "Just thinking." I replied. "About what?" he continued to ask. "About everything I've done wrong."
Silence.
"You know, every time my mind reminds me of all those things I said and I've done, especially the things with my friend a few months ago, I just wanna write her a massage to say sorry, again and again and again, but on the other hand, it wouldn't change anything. I still said that. I still did that." during talking hot tears had welled up in my eyes and started rolling down my cheeks.
"But didn't she say it was okay? She forgave you, didn't she?" Bucky said.
"Yeah, she did but I didn't and I can not."
"What do you mean?"
"I will never be able to forgive myself for anything! It will always creep around in my head, making me feel guilty and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't undo it. It happened and thats forever. A 'Sorry' doesn't make it disappear..."

I pressed my legs against my chest and sobbed, my head lying on my knees, while my tears dropped down my nose.

When I lifted my head, I looked at Bucky, I looked at the wall, I was talking to. He's not here, he never will be.
I decided to write it down.
This is my way to vent.

I'm bad at opening up to people so I just write everything down and make my storys out of my feelings. Not all of them but a lot of them.
Sometimes I'm also just talking with my wall.
So to everyone I know, who's reading this:If I ever made anything wrong or said something very stupid, that hurt you, I'm incredibly sorry for it. Forever.

words:524

~Ally

Btw thank you so much for 4K reads, you guys are amazing!