Lost in July

X

my heart aches for the 19 children and 2 teachers who lost their lives yesterday in another senseless shooting. sending all my love and healing to the families affected.

to my American readers, please stay alert and educated on how we can stop these tragedies from ever happening again. this is not normal, and we should not be witnessing children losing their lives when they're just trying to learn.

thank you for reading.

Margo
~
Collin's a nice guy.

He's really fuckin' nice, which is why from now on I will be staying far far away from him.

I told him I didn't want to talk and he actually listened. He didn't ask again, he just listened. He let me sit in his room with tears running down my face and didn't ask me anything.

Why the fuck was I even crying? I don't know. My head is crammed with so many thoughts at once that it physically hurts. I have no control over my emotions. Everything I feel happens without my permission and I'm constantly feeling trapped in my own skin.

Collin makes it easier somehow. Things feel lighter with him. The thoughts go quiet for a minute. He feels safe. Which is why I need to avoid him as much as possible for the next week. I can't become attached to anyone, not again.

I can't think about any of this right now. Right now my sister is finally allowed to visit me.

I'm sitting in the visiting room at one of the round tables waiting for her. This is the family room. I'm rarely in here.

My legs shake anxiously as I wait for Marley. I've been here for six days and yet it feels like a lifetime.

I miss my sister. She's my anchor, my lifeline. I don't know how I'd survive in that household without her.

I wait another anxiety-filled minute before the door opens loudly and a nurse is pointing Marley in my direction.

Her 4'11 height makes her look small in comparison to the large empty room. A smile graces her face as she sees me, waving her hand back and forth.

She walks up to me and I stand, hugging her tight once she reaches me. "God, I miss you."

Marley squeezes me tight. "I miss you, too. Home isn't home without you." My heart cracks at her words, but I keep my composure and sit down next to her.

I try to smile, holding her hand as I face her. "So what's been going on? How are you?"

"Not much. I signed up for another volunteer group in Queens. I think it's a soup kitchen this time. Mom and Dad keep whining that I'm never home since I'm always doing something with school or volunteering. You'd think they'd realize I don't want to be home because of them." She scoffs as she finishes her rant.

"Fuck them. I'm proud of you," Sometimes I wonder if Marley thinks I'm a colossal fuck up like my parents do. She must considering all the amazing shit she accomplishes.

She's out here trying to save humanity and give back to the planet while I'm here, locked up because of my "risky" mental state.

"Oh, and um..." Marley looks nervous now, staring at our intertwined hands. "X visited the house the other day."

I watch Marley's wide eyes, watching her as she watches me, probably waiting for me to freak out.