Lost in July

XXV

Margo
~
I don't think my brain has ever been quite this loud.

I've been lying in my bed, unmoving, wide awake, for days. I only spoke and moved when Collin came over.

I feel paralyzed by this depression. I don't even have the energy to mindlessly scroll on my phone.

I wanted to text Collin. To call and tell him that I'm okay and I want to be near him, but I just couldn't. I still can't.

I can't shake this emptiness. I can't handle the loud voices echoing over and over; reaffirming that i'm crazy, stupid, delusional, disgusting, basically anything degrading my mind can conjure.

I was doing so well. I was starting to even feel a bit of normalcy. One interaction with X and my entire world comes crashing down. It's like everything good froze and all the bad came barreling in, cracking the ice and destroying all the good I had left.

Somehow Collin didn't give up. He texts me every morning and night, asking me if I need anything and that he's always here when I need him.

I need him now, but I can't bring myself to text him. It doesn't help that I haven't showered in days. My hair is matted together in a bun on top of my head, no hair tie securing it.

I think my bed is permanently indented as I've hardly moved over the past week.

I'm slowly crawling out of bed to shower while everyone is gone. My father hasn't been in to yell at me about missing school which is shocking, to say the least. Mom is too manic to truly care, so I guess he's just going with whatever she says.

My principal and school counselor know my situation, but I'm probably going to fail senior year anyway. I don't really give a fuck. I don't plan on making it to my graduation.

Marley mentioned something about grabbing my assignments for me, but I couldn't be bothered. It's hard to care about math problems when you don't care about living.

My phone buzzes underneath my covers as I finally pull myself out of bed. I don't bother checking it. Instead I head out of my room and into the bathroom, locking the door and turning the shower on, making sure it's scorching hot.

I avoid the mirror, not wanting to see how disgusting I probably look. Especially since Collin saw me like this. I guess my hair wasn't as bad, but still.

I attempt to pull a brush through my hair but it's pointless as my tangled curls eat my brush. I give up, stripping my clothes off and getting into the shower.

I wince as the intense heat of the water hits my skin. I don't even bother standing up. I sit down underneath the water, letting the water wash away the pain of the last week. If only it was that easy.

I close my eyes, reveling in the sharp heat on my skin as I watch it turn red.

I think I sit in silence for ten minutes before even making a move to clean myself. If mother was home she'd be screaming at me for wasting water.

I go through the motions of a typical shower, all while sitting down, except to wash my body. I cringe at the feeling of my hands on my body and hurriedly wash off the soap and get out of the shower.