Lost in July

XLVII

Collin
~
The next couple days happen in slow motion.

I spend most of my time with Margo, reading or kissing or sleeping or all three. We talk, sometimes, but I've been too tired to talk lately, and she gets that.

I think she's scared to leave me. She's leaving today.

I'm scared for her to leave me.

I've been collecting my pills for five days now. I have nearly twenty. I don't know how much will be enough. I can't even remember how many days I've got left in here.

Every time I'm with Margo, I question doing what I have planned. Then I spend a minute thinking outside of our bubble, and the hopeless, sinking feeling comes back. I can't escape it.

I do not want to be here. Fifty years of pills and family drama and work and love and Margo and no Margo and God, it's all too much for me.

I don't think I was cut out for this. Life, I mean. And for some reason, it feels like my journey is meant to be cut short. Maybe there's a lesson in all this. For Margo. For me. For my family. Who knows.

I'm selfish. I know that. I can't even truthfully say i'm sorry. I'm not sorry for ending the pain.

Margo, though, she's the exception. She's the exception to everything, isn't she? My Margo. I wish I could stare into her sea green eyes forever, swim in the colors of her. Wrap myself around her and stay there forever. I know it's unhealthy. I didn't even know I could feel like that, but I do. So deeply.

I would stay for her. I would, but our stories aren't fairytales. They're tragedies.

"What're you thinking about?" Margo nudges me. We're sitting on a couch in the common area, watching... I don't know what.

"Nothing," I lie. She huffs, crossing her arms. I smirk. "Don't pout. You're leaving me today." I grab her waist and she tries to hide her smile, using her legs to push herself away from my hold.

"Is that what you were thinking about?" She asks, a thick brow raised. God, she's so beautiful.

I nod, to appease her. I suppose it's a partial truth.

"Please don't be sad," she declares, scooting toward me to hug me. She tucks her neck into my shoulder. "Are you going to be okay?"

No. "Yes. It's just a couple days." It hurts to lie to her, but I have to. I can't tell her the truth, obviously.

She sighs and I gently rub her back.

Margo

As I revel in the warm touch of this hands, I can't help the panic bubbling inside me. Quiet, but ever present, alerting me that something is simmering, preparing to blow and I don't know what it is.

Collin's energy has felt different. He's quieter, shier if that's possible. He's more affectionate yet reserved and i'm not sure how that works.

Regardless, I'm so scared I'm missing something, and I have an hour or two to figure it out.

"Gonna talk to Penny real quick," I say quickly. I move off Collins lap, kissing his cheek swiftly before crossing the common area and stopping Penny in the hallway just outside. I knew I heard the jingle of her keys.