Lost in July

XXVI

Collin
~
Margo has been ignoring me for two and a half days and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why.

There's option A: she's trying to protect me by cutting contact therefore getting her psycho ex away from me. And there's option B: she's protecting herself by pushing me away so she doesn't catch any feelings or real emotions.

Perfectly understandable, however, I'm pissed. These last few days have felt like a never ending loop of school, then dreadful family dinners, homework, bed, repeat.

I do nothing fun, nothing different. I have no friends and it's not like I can join a sports team or a club when I'm leaving school for weeks at a time. I use the weight room / gym in my house every couple days, but the only real hobby I have is reading.

There are only so many books you can read before you lose your mind.

So naturally, I'm on my way to Margo's house. She's probably going to kill me for this, but to be fair I did send her a warning text that I am on my way.

I just got off the subway when a hand wraps around my bicep and pulls me, pushing me against the wall.

"Are you trying to make me hate you?" Margo's voice speaks loudly in my ear, anger clear on her face. Honestly? Her yelling at me like this is kind of hot.

It makes me smile. "Hey,"

Margo pushes me. "Don't 'hey' me! And don't go showing up to my house uninvited! My mom is home you idiot!" I let her yell at me, expelling all her feelings before I even try to get a word in.

I roll my eyes as she tells me I don't know how to think for the third time. "Are you done yet?" I ask, crossing my arms.

That really pisses her off. Her green eyes widen and then she starts laughing. She's not laughing in amusement, though. No, she's laughing like she wants to kill me.

"Before you murder me, hear me out," I raise my hands in surrender, offering her my sweetest smile. She stares blankly at me and I'm worried she may start to shoot lasers that will burn holes into my skin. "you were ignoring me, okay? I couldn't take not hearing from you, not knowing if you were okay. You didn't text me or call me or even provide any signs of life. I was fucking worried about you until I realized you're just too scared to face me."

Margo scoffs in shock. "Scared? I am not scared!"

It's my turn to scoff now. I narrow my eyes at her. "We're both scared! Fuck, I'm scared every day that something I say or do will make you leave. That you'll eventually decide you're sick of me like every other person in my life. I missed you. My only friend. So fucking sue me, I guess."

I never used to swear this much, or even speak this much really. Something about Margo brings it out of me- my true self. The me I've wanted to be since I was young.

"I can't rely on another man again. I won't." She says, her voice loud but not yelling. She looks relieved after finally saying the words.

I shake my head sadly. "I don't want you to rely on me, Margo. I just want to be with you. Your friend, your whatever I don't care. We're equals."

She sighs. "It's not that easy,"

"Fine. How about this, if I start to notice either of us getting too attached, we cut it off. Or we can be healthy about it and talk about it in therapy. How to not get too attached or whatever,"