Lost in July

XXXIV

Collin
~
Well, fuck. I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I even said it, but I feel it.

I know that I love Margo. Sure, I've never felt romantic love before, but I know that I have never felt like this about anyone in my life. I know that it hurts when I see her struggling, almost like I'm feeling the pain with her. I know that when we're not together, I'm constantly thinking about her and when I can be with her again.

When she doesn't talk to me it ruins my fucking day.

Even the slightest touch from her sends chills throughout my entire body. Sometimes even her eyes finding mine does the same thing. I crave her opinion and I love listening to the sound of her voice.

I love how her hair is constantly a mess of tangles yet still looks beautiful. I love her green eyes, when they're light and sparkly and when they're dark and void of personality. I love all the parts of her personality that she's allowed me to see, and it hurts me when she hides herself from me. Physically and mentally.

I love her. I love Margo July, so I told her.

The look on her face right now is worrying to say the least. At first I thought she didn't hear me as her face stayed stoic.

I know she heard me when she starts shaking her head vigorously. "No," she laughs now. "you can't love me. You don't."

I step forward, looking into the eyes that refuse to let me in. "Yes, I do. I love you, Margo. I don't care how fast I got here or how I got here. All I know is that I love you and I want you in my life. I need you in my life."

I sound desperate now, almost pleading her to believe that my words are true. Instead she jumps from out of her bed, eyes wide and full of fear as she stares at me.

"Stop! You need to stop, Collin. Please. I can't do this again." Her voice cracks in pain and I swear someone's stabbed me in my heart.

My eyes soften as I analyze her anxiety ridden body. "I don't need you to love me back, Margo. I just need you here. Just be here with me. That's all I want. Nothing more."

I know there's a lot of pressure behind those three words, and I never intended for them to cause her pain or anxiety. I should've known that love was a tough subject for her after what X put her through. How can she believe in love when her only examples of it have put her through hell?

Margo drops her head into her hands, sitting on the edge of her bed as she sighs heavily. I slowly take a step towards her and sit beside her, far enough that she has space, but close enough for her to know that i'm here for her. No matter what.

We sit beside each other in silence. I don't know what to say, but then I hear Margo take a deep, shaky breath. "I don't know how to do this, Collin."

"Hell, I don't either. All we do is what we've been doing. I don't expect anything from you. Just your company," I assure her.

Margo wipes another fallen tear and my heart clenches in my chest. Maybe I should've just let her ignore me forever.

But when she scoots closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder, holding her knees to her chest, I know that I made the right decision. I quickly wrap my arm around her, holding her close as my entire body relaxes at the feeling of her body warmth.