solar eclipse | jilix

pt. 16

[kind of a bonus, this is just seungmin's backstory. why he had such a big reaction and how suicide is a sensitive topic to him. also the underlying meaning is relevant to the plot so.... ]

my biggest regret was not trying to get to know you. not understanding you. hyung, i'm sorry.

"hyung, what's that on your arm?"

frantic eyes hidden behind thick glass frames landed on a curious young child.

"ah, i was working on my art project and got paint all over my arm! silly me..." the teen laughed nervously, picking up a clean untouched paintbrush from his desk. too young to process and ask further questions, seungmin playfully scolded his brother. "hyungie is so clumsy! you'll never be an artist if you're like this!"

his brother smiled weakly, disguising his tears in a big yawn. "gosh, i'm so tired from working on this project. sorry i can't play with you right now." he said, quickly wiping the small drops away. the red paint smudged against his cheek whilst doing that, but he didn't care. seungmin whined for a little, eventually running off to play alone in the yard.

the boy felt bad for his younger brother, it wasn't his intention to push him away. he loved him with all his heart, but he wanted to protect him. at such a young age, seungmin didn't deserve to know the truth. he was just a child caught in the middle of this big mess. locking the door this time, he picked up the blade once more only to be interrupted again. it was suffocating in that household, no one seemed to leave him alone.

"seung gi, what are you doing in there?"
a deep commanding voice yelled.

throwing on a black hoodie and running to the door, he stuttered a "n-nothing! just a moment, father!"

the man harshly grabbed his scrawny arm the moment he had unlocked the door. "never lock the door in my house! come, you useless boy. i'm taking you to a science museum. maybe that'll knock the artist out of you. a waste of time and money, i swear..." he yelped in pain, his father's fingernails dug deep into the open wounds. it was excruciating. "oh shut up, you're such a crybaby. look at your brother, so ambitious and driven. at his age, he already wants to become a doctor!"

seung gi winced, look at your brother. you're a disappointment. you're setting yourself up for failure.

all these comments piled up on him. he was so sick of it all. no one was worried about him. what he wanted. whether he was happy.

one night, it got too much. he was at a loss for what to do. just as he was about to swing the bathroom door shut, a small hand stuck in and held it open. "hyung... help me get water from the kitchen..." a sleepy voice mumbled. his heart shattered, guilt washing over him. he couldn't leave his baby brother alone in this cruel world.

"minnie you're still awake? hurry up and get to bed. hyung will bring you a warm glass of water in a while, kay?"

the kid nodded groggily and tottered back to his room.

little did his innocent self know, seungmin prevented something very bad from happening. his brother decided to hang on to that door a bit longer for his sake.

a few minutes later, the lanky teen opened the door to his brother's room.

ah, he's already asleep.

he delicately brushed his hair and tucked him in, grateful to have at least one thing to keep living for.

he began to find more time to spend with seungmin. he wanted to be there for him as long as he could.

"min, come try on my glasses!" he would say, placing them onto his brother's small head.
they would slip down his nose, which he would scrunch in frustration. "one day, i'll be big like hyung and they won't fall off anymore!" seungmin would proclaim with a big toothy grin, and his brother would simply nod and laugh lightly.

"these glasses suit a doctor very well... promise me you'll work hard, hm?"

"yes hyung!"

i'll watch you grow through the lenses. maybe i'll see the world through your eyes. find happiness living through you. you'll grow big enough to fit them, but i won't be there to see it.

a few years later, the kim family were three. quite the powerful family, reputable lawyer, wealthy surgeon and future doctor. there was never room for an artist anyways. the weed had finally been pruned from their picturesque flower bed.

seungmin-ah, i'm sorry for being such a bad older brother. i'm sorry i cannot be there for you. maybe if i'm out of the picture, our family will be picture perfect like how father wants it to be. keep our promise that you'll grow up and be successful. do it for me.
i'll protect you. i promise.

tears streamed down seungmin's face, he was given a letter from his brother once he turned the right age. this was all planned from the start. all the promises his brother made him swear by. the many attempts to hide. it was now crystal clear how everything was a distraction. his brother might've protected him from the truth as a child, but it all came up to the surface eventually. and it hurt a hell of a lot more.

A.N. i cried while writing this bc his brother knowing he's a child and wanting to keep him from anything that could hurt him but also being unable to cope on his own is so hdhrhebfhsh i feel like hiding all this pain from the person you treasure the most just hits so much harder. in a way his brother prioritised seungmin over than himself, thinking it'd be better for his younger brother if he didn't exist but it's really just manipulating himself into feeling less guilty about leaving his baby brother all alone when he's gone.

haha yall probably dont care and think this is useless to the storyline im sorry bye bye