Diary of an angry widow

My story

Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading. 

It  didn't seem like our last Christmas

We awoke early that morning as usual. We gathered around the Christmas tree located in the corner of the living room. He then reminded me to set up the camera so we could add another Christmas to our video archives. Little did we know that would be the last time we would exchange gifts or capture our little family all together. Before we opened the presents we first talked about the real reason we give gifts and gave thanks for another year, then tore into the gifts. Though there were many gifts under the tree my husband was looking forward to only one. He asked that I would save it to the last. Months prior he asked that I would purchase cowboy hats for the entire family. Little did I know as  lay in bed listening to our girls dance to a silly country song. that that became his hearts desire. He wanted us to dance to a song that he had heard on T.V. With the opening of each gift his anticipation was rising, as he kept asking is that the last one?  It was now time for the last gift I grabbed all the bags  and handed one to each member of the family and set the song to play.  In his excitement he raised up off the couch and positioned himself for the show.  As "Jay" sat on the couch nestled under his cozy Carolina blanket, our girls started to dance. He bellowed out a laugh so loud and deep, He laughed till tears streamed down his face. When the song stopped he looked at me and said "That was the best laugh", till this day  my heart breaks when I think of how something our family did all the time was the last thing he wanted to remember us doing.  The last gift he wanted was his family doing what we had done all our life, act silly, laugh, and love on each other. Not one time did I think that would be the last time we would enjoy such a special moment. 

December the twenty-sixth came in brightly shining through our manila blinds, waking Jay from a deep sleep. As he awoke his first thought was it's time. He gently nudged me to wake up. As  I opened my eyes, he whispered can you fix me something to eat so I can take my meds.  Then he reminded me he needed to get ready to go to the emergency room. Sluggishly I asked him to  give me a minute, I told him I needed to lie there a little  longer, but deep down I really needed to hear GOD. I needed to hear what GOD had to say about this. I needed him to give me peace about the situation, I desperately needed Father GOD to tell me things would be alright as he had done so many times before.  As I lay there anxiously waiting for something to hold onto.  A song arose in my heart that at that moment  gave me the sense that everything would be alright.  I lifted up with a slight bounce in my step. Though I was still nervous about the whole hospital thing, knowing that we were up against unprecedented times, COVID 19 we wee both unsure of what that would bring. So to reassure him that it was going to be alright, I shared with him the song the LORD laid upon my heart.  The song was one by Pastor Shirley Caesar called I'll do it again" played loudly in my mind.  He didn't respond. For me once the melody played in my heart and mind a burst of faith did too. Deep inside I knew everything would be alright.

Over the years GOD through Holy Spirit has given me a song as confirmation things were going to work out. So when I heard this song there was no doubt in my mind that he would do it again. So I sat up in the middle of the bed and started to sing the  song to him as assisted him in the things he needed to get done to prepare for the paramedics. First I fixed his oatmeal just the way he liked it, then I helped him get dressed and into the wheelchair. As I rolled him into the living room he, our baby girl, and I talked as we awaited the ambulance arrival. From that day to this one it still haunts me that I had no clue this was it. Only GOD knows what I would have done had I known it was. 

Once it arrived the paramedics came in and started to take his vital signs. While they were working  on him he looked up at me and said "bae go ahead and get dressed" so we can arrive at the hospital at the same time. Suddenly one of the paramedics lifted up his head and looked at my husband and said. She can't go. I will never forget the look on his face. She can't go, he asked? No, the paramedic replied, the only way anyone can go into the hospital is if the patient is at death doors. They continued one prepping him.