Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading
Personal Note to self: DeWanna remember. Though the tears stream down your face into a puddle under your chin and your heart feels stricken with pain. Remember.
Me: Remember what?!
Remember the goodness of the LORD. Recall the prayers that GOD not only heard but answered. Bring to mind the Love story GOD allowed you to live. Retell yourself of the times GOD brought you out. Think on the multitude of the things GOD blessed you to experience in your marriage Remember DeWanna to think on things that are lovely, things of a good report, if there is anything worthy of praise Think on these things.
DeWanna remember!
Father it it September 2021 8 months after Jays' passing and I desperately need a word from you, tonight! I can't do this by myself.
A word from GOD: Turn your focus to things I have done versus the intensity of the pain.
GOD's instruction:
DeWanna?
Yes, LORD.
HOLY SPIRIT: go into our secret place.
Me: Yes, LORD.
DeWanna go into our secret place, the place you created just for you and me.
1) Come in and shut the door behind you.
2) Begin by thanking me for EVERYTHING!! This makes me feel like you want me in the room.
3) I'll come in when I can feel your thankfulness.
4) Force your heart to praise me.
(At first this will be hard. But with intention it gets easier. You must lead your heart.)
Note: Dee, praying to me in secret causes me to bless you openly where the world can see.it. Thankfulness opens your eyes allowing you to see me in the midst of the storm your facing. Forcing your heart to give me praise in spite of, causes your heart to heal from the inside out. Praise for my children acts as medicine to the soul, it starts out bitter then turns sweet. It speeds up the recovery time..
Remember Definitions: To bring to mind or think of again.
Bible Definition of remember: To be capable of recalling when required to keep in mind, to be continually aware of, thought of.; to preserve fresh in mind the memory to attend to recollect;
He heard my cry
I found myself kneeling down on my knees on the cold tile floor. With my elbows propped up on the toilet seat as I held my head in my hands, praying as hard as I could.
Here I was at one of those I can't do this by myself moments. Crying out to GOD with all I had, Father I need you, Now!
Thousands of miles away or at least I thought I was. That years band trip took us to Indianapolis, Indiana and we were excited. Our band was magnificent in our eyes, cause our daughter was in the performance. It was gonna be very a long ride. So, before we left I packed so many things to help keep me fully stay occupied along the way. Jay being a truck driver for years I never had to worry about who was driving nor for the direction we would go in.
Our journey started off as usual, first stop the nearest truck stop. Where we loaded up on our favorite snacks and took our first bathroom break. It always fascinated me on every trip Jay would head over to the maps pick one up and began to scan it. I always suggested for him to buy it, but no. He felt, all he needed was a few minutes to peep at the major highways, then he was ready. He wouldn't pick up another map till we were there. It amazed me that all it took for him to know the route we were to take was a one quick glance at a map. Till this day I am thankful for GPS.
I was fully distracted with my devices (laptop and phone) during the ride. I had no clue at the mile markers we were passing by. Vary rarely did I even glimpse at a sign of the mileage left . I had my pillow shoved up under my head as I lay on the armrest next to him typing away on my laptop. The only time I even recall paying attention to the drive was when he saw deers dead along the highways, which happened a lot. There are two details I will never forget about that trip: the dead deers and the mountainous terrain. Neither of which made me want to drive, so I didn't. After a long eleven hour drive, we were ready for a good nights rest. Luckily we saw a hotel located just off the interstate a few miles away from the Lucas Oil stadium the place her performance was held that year. It just happened to be a popular place for some of the other bands in the competition as well. Though we were tired we woke early the next morning to meet our oldest daughter for breakfast at the hotel her school stayed in. During breakfast we were given the itinerary for the students while they waited for the awards ceremony later that evening.
Our daughter was so excited that the school had planned three visits to the mall while they were waiting. He and I thought it would be fun for her to go to one of the malls with her but to let her hang with her friends for the other two. At the time I didn't realize that during last nights ride he noticed one of my favorite places to eat was near our hotel. Long John Silver, fish and chips hmmm good. When he shared the plans he had I was ready. I like to go to different restaurants. After competition we hung out at the first mall. It was so nice. But secretly I was ready to go. But her first I had to remember it wasn't just about me. So I was patient. As we sat there in the cafeteria we heard a call on the intercom for all the kids to prepare to load the buses. I started to smile all I could think on was fried fish. We gave her a bunch of hugs and kisses and left for our little excursion. We pulled up to a stand alone quant little restaurant. We walked in an ordered and sat down. As we sat there and ate Jay looked across the table and said. Bae, I don't feel good. He suggested for us to cut what we were doing short. So we did.
We left rather quickly, cause he really didn't feel well. I had no idea what was wrong. He was fine minutes earlier. Once we got back into the room he started to feel nauseous and headed straight to the bathroom. Finally I heard the squeaky door slide open. Frantically I asked Bae are you good. His eyes told the story. He didn't look like he felt good. Causing me to go over and feel his forehead. To my surprise he had a temperature. The warmth of his forehead prompted me to get a cold cloth to help cool him down. I kept exchanging the warm cloth for a cool one. As he lay there in my arms with me rubbing his entire body and pleading the blood of JESUS. While I lay there taking in deep breathes and letting them out at little squeaky voice on the other bed said momma I don't feel good. Those words took my mind in a tizzy. I slide her over to me in the bed and began to rock back and forth, till her little eyes closed.
Everything in me knew that I needed GOD to show up. Jay's temperature started to break after a while. But not before I got on my knees. That day I cried out to GOD like never before, There I was in the middle of a place I had never been. I was scared to say the least. So when I got on my knees, four different times. My prayer request came through. He sat up in the middle of the bed and said I am ready now. I laid on his chest and finally went to sleep,
He heard my cry.....GOD heard my cry.
Sometimes we have to remember when GOD brought us out. So that we can keep a fresh prespective of GOD 's capablility.
A/N IF this helps you, please comment, vote on and share. I greatly appreciate it.
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