Diary of an angry widow

Diary Entry 7: Momma I'm sorry

Disclaimer: This is a unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading.

Now I see, Momma, I'm sorry.

Feb 24, 2008 my life changed. There I was leaning up against a vanilla colored hospital room wall watching my dad lye there struggling to breath. A nurse walked in on the other side of the room to check his vital signs. As she looked at the numbers one the machine she looked up over my mom and sisters head and motioned to me that he was gone. In that instant with very little words and a little hand gesture it was the longest conversation of my life. She shared my dad was gone, while motioning me to tell my mom. My eyes spread wide as a dear in headlights, how in the world was I going to tell my mom that the love of her life of forty-three years had gone? As my eyes shifted back to my dad I saw the blood fading from his lips. That is when I knew I had to tell her now. The nurse began to wave her hand to get my attention. I looked at her and then to my mom, who sat there sharing how thankful she was for all the good times they had shared. Prior to my dads' passing one nurse told my mother the hearing is the last thing to go. She asked her remind him of her love for him. And she did just that.

Though I watched my mom when my daddy died, and was there to assist her on the journey. I am crystal clear I had no idea of the pain she endured. As I look back now the widowed me, wish I had taken notes, asked questions, paid attention in widow class. Life had given me a front row seat at what life is like when your husband passes. But In reality, I was running away, deep down I didn't want know parts of what she was experiencing.

Since Jays passing I have had to repent to GOD and to her. Don't get me wrong I was there for her but my best could have truly been better. But I was scared. It all makes since now, I had a lot to be afraid of. You see all my relationship with Jay I was aware he was a diagnosed sickle cell patient. And for some they are not promised a long life. Though there have been many scientific breakthroughs many African Americans have passed from Sickle Cell disease. Having this information made it clear that every chance I got to praise GOD for his life I need too and I did, every time I could pray for him I did, I stood on the word for his life on every occasion. I see clearly now. I loved him so much, and I couldn't see my life without him. So when I had a front row seat, I chose to move a little farther back from the screen. Many days I came to check in on my mom, stopped by to make certain she had everything she needed and gave her money, while in my heart trying to avoid getting to close to the fire she was experiencing. Deep down it was like widowhood was contagious and I wasn't trying to catch it. Sickle cell disease makes it clear that death is inevitable, but I didn't want to experience it. Who does?

For years I thought strength looked like people who didn't cry. When the bible clearly states there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. It goes onto say that GOD bottles up your tears. Then theres another scripture that says he will wipe away your tears. And if that isn't enough Jesus wept. He cried because Lasuruz his friend had died and the grief was hard for his sisters to bare. Jesus himself cried though he had the power to raise him from the dead and did he himself wept at his death. 

Many say that unless you walk a mile in  someones' shoes you have no clue what they are going through. Today I can say this is true. 

Momma please forgive me for not being more present when daddy passed. Forgive me for expecting you to be strong. I know realize that GOD says my strength is made perfect in your weakness. So in  reality just because we hold our head up high and refuse to let the world see us cry doesn't mean were strong. It is when in my weakness state I cry out to the LORD and through my need for him I am made strong. Thank you for teaching me through your own journey of widowhood it's okay to cry. Cause Jesus will heal me by and by. You are a testimony that GOD will see you through, that joy truly does come in the morning even if we don't know the exact day that joy will shine through. They that wait on the LORD will renew their strength.  

Today I have come to realize that you went through one of the most devastating times of your life and I was too scared to walk closely with you out of my own fears. I am grateful that when I started on this journey I was not alone cause you made your presence clear. Thanks Momma I love you.

DeWanna

A/N: Many say hind sight is 20/20, what have you realized about widowhood after reading my story? Comment below. 

Is there something that you now see differently?

Don't forget to vote. I greatly appreciate you.