Diary of an angry widow

Diary entry: 4 Heaven's love note

 Disclaimer: This is a unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading.

The note read; Know always you are loved.

Bae? You want believe what I did today. For the first time I got in the car and traveled out to Crystal lake, by MYSELF. Wish I could say it was adventurous but no, I prayed and cried the whole way. 

Him: Why? 

Cause it was the women's retreat and I wanted to go, but I didn't want to get there and fall apart in front of all the women. So I prayed for strength as I prayed I started to cry. Guess I was trying to get it all out before I got there.

 At first I did good.

 I kind of stayed to myself. Hoping to just glean from the joy the room full of women had. As I opened the double doors you could feel the joy that encompassed the room. Burst of laughter broke out across the room as one of  the brothers shared how he couldn't make up his mind. he wanted the hamburger and hotdog, he was adamant about not wanting to choose.   When I walked in, I quickly navigated to some familiar faces hoping to be greeted with warm embraces.  My prayers were answered as the host walked directly to me with her arms stretched out wide, she began thanking me for coming. She told me she new that this had to be the hardest decision to make. It was. So many memories of you right by myside at those retreats. You could always be found taping me, lending a helping hand or watching our girls, at least until your health started to fail. You were there. Thanks Bae.

Me: Bae, betcha can't guess the food that was served.

Him: What was it?

Me: It was picnic style.  Hamburgers and hot dogs. 

Him: That was new. She cooked on the grill?

Me: No Bae, you know she don't ever cook. She had it catered from some local joint I forget the name .  You know normally we would've had some type of fine dining experience.  But every retreat is orchestrated to match the message. It was not only picnic style but we were outside in the elements. Sitting on the lake. Having the retreat on the lake was nice, but you know me, I wanted to get in the water not sit on it. Anyhoo I had to follow her led and I did.

She had some interesting activities planned. All of us were given three separate containers. Two were small tubes, the last was a plastic jar. Our assignment was to dip our tubes into the two different bodies of water and fill them with the water. Afterwards we were to analyze the differences found. The jar though we were to do a little different we were to fill it with not only water but sand and  seaweed from the lake. We were also told for each of us to find a quiet spot on the lake and spend some quiet time to talk with Jesus, asking him to help us understand what he wanted us to see from being at the Lake. 

You should of seen all the women full of excitement to work on this exercise. When the crowd died down I eased over and picked up my tubes and jar. I wasn't to excited about this  task cause I really didn't know what I wanted from Jesus at the time. But I needed something to hold onto. Something, Bae. While I stood there gathering my things, outta the corner of my eye I saw a very secluded place at the end of a pier, at that moment that was the place for me and Jesus to meet. I made a bee line in that direction. When I got there I laid my things onto a old worn wooden swing, and sat down on the end of the pier. Slowly I took in the view, it was mesmerizing. Then I tried to calm myself down by taking in a few deep breathes and slowly letting them out. As I sat there I fought to think on all of the blessings I have versus the fact that you are gone. It was so hard to focus. I sat there with the wind gently kissing the side of my face  as boundaries of the lake when captured my attention, to the left of me I saw the prettiest sight. The sun was shining so brightly that it left this beautiful glisten on the surface of the lake. The beauty of the lake seemed to peak my interest, so I started to scan the entirety of the lake,  as I did I had the  most bittersweet realization.