Diary of an angry widow

Diary Entry: 5 The two became one

Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading. 

Memory: You believed in our oneness so that you would tell our clients if I was doing their hair it was just like you doing it. Once they were convinced of what you had to say, you would tell me to give you the comb so you could finish their style. Their eyes would spread wide and they would scream no, no, no, No Jay. Though you were joking with them, as I reflect it really is the truth when we become one what ever I do it's like you doing it and vice versa. Even more now than ever before I know we became one. Because I sense you more in me than I could have ever imagined.

Bae this I feeling I feel right now is surreal. To be honest it feels a little creepy. Many have asked, DeWanna have you felt his presence in the house. That would be ahhh, No!

You know how I felt about things like that.

But Bae, this feeling is unlike anything I have ever heard anyone say. I feel you in me. Literally, Bae. I find myself feeling you. I know it sounds crazy. But I am for real. It wasn't until I looked again at the scripture that says and "The two shall become one," that it made since. Often Jesus stated that he desired for us to become one like He and the Father are one. I really hadn't given that scripture much thought, until now. The other day I was sitting up on the side of the bed like you used to do with your ankles crossed, when our oldest daughter walked in and called my name I lifted up my head and looked over my shoulder and Bae in that instant I screamed, I almost jumped out of my SKIN. I felt YOU! I FELT YOU!!!!I felt like I was YOU sitting up on the side of the bed, From the way I answered to the way I looked and the way I felt. It was the strangest thing. But Bae, I felt you. People have asked, DeWanna do you feel peace when you feel him. My answer, No. I don't know what to do with this. The feeling comes when I least expect. Though it's strange, it makes since. If we as the bible states are to become one, then is this really strange or part of that transition? Leaving me to believe when you passed some of me did too and vice versa. There is and always will be a part of you in me, because we became one.

This brings to mind Adam and Eve. What was it really like for EVE? Her whole existence started from GOD using one of Adams ribs to create her. Wonder if it was like those times me and the girls would be out shopping and after a while I would look at the girls and say: let's go ya'll I feel your daddy is ready for us to come home. Only to get in the car and my phone ring, and it is you saying; Where ya'll at? I would just look at them and say I told you so. Or better yet what about those times I would bring home dinner only to hear you ask, how did you know that is what I wanted? And let's not forget how you would know my cycle was coming on even when I didn't. We became one! The prayers we prayed were answered. No longer two, one. This makes so much since. Bae you remember when we saw in scripture how that if me and you were not in agreement with each other our prayers would be hindered. It makes since, Bae! The bible says a house divided against it self cannot stand. Bae we were onto something. If we were arguing we were dividing or rather putting asunder what GOD ordained to become one. JESUS , BAE!!!!!! How I wish you were here this would have been a all night discussion. Though I am grateful we did it; I wish we could take a load of tires to Texas so we could talk about it. You know I would have been sharing this with everyone I came in contact with.

Bae I know you felt I could do this, simply cause you knew I would rely on GOD for the strength. But for real Bae I don't want to do this without you.

My stomach is turning again.

I hate this feeling. My heart and mind are searching for something to make me feel close to you tonight. Since you have been gone, your side of the bed has become mine. I listen to your voice mails from time to time and I revisit pictures and videos, but it's not the same. And sadly I have to limit all of that so I can keep going and my heart doesn't get overwhelmed. I spend a lot of time in prayer and the word so I can remain strong.

But tonight I want you more than the flower needs rain. Deep down I realize what I need more, is the presence of GOD. Therefore tonight I am pulling on HOLY SPIRIT to help me get through this one. I get it now, Bae. It was easy for you to rest in peace, you knew no matter what I would keep my hands in GOD's hands. So I as I sit here tonight with my heart broken and my pillow filled with tears I am reaching beyond anything this world could offer me. As I sit here and pour out my heart to you I feel this song wailing up in my spirit.

Bae you remember the song Total Praise by Richard Smallwood.

So I sing...I choose to praise you. Through good the good and the bad. I praise you...whether happy or sad. I praise you through all that I go through, because praise is what I do....ohhhhhh. And I owe it all to you.

Praise is what I do by: Shekinah Glory Ministries.

My prayer:

Father I thank you for an awesome man of GOD. I thank you for giving me a man after your own heart. Not perfect Father, but perfect for me. One who built me up and never tore me down. One who walked along side me as I followed Christ and allowed me to be who Jesus called me to be. Thank you Father for 26 1/2 years of twists and turns, ups and downs, laughter and frowns, lessons learned, and humbling experiences that taught us to become one. We never would have made it without you. For that Father I am eternally grateful.

It's in Jesus name I pray.

Memory: This brought back to mind when we faced trials or triumphs we made a decision a long time ago to praise GOD through the good and the bad. Cause all things work together for the good of them who love the LORD and is called according to his purpose. Even things we can't see.

Tonight I choose to give him praise. With tears streaming down my face and my heart filled with pain. I choose to give him praise. When I look back over my life there is nothing that I have done to deserve a love like we shared for over 26 years. Only GOD. So I will trust Him in this part of the journey, for when I'm weak He is strong.

As I look over my shoulder I can see the sun rise, Thank you Father for another day.

Good morning, Bae.

I love you still.