Diary of an angry widow

Diary Entry: 3 When I am weak

Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading. 

When I am weak

Bae I am trying to overcome this overwhelming desire to scream right now. I am still mind boggled that the very music I used to love listening to (gospel) is hitting differently these days. It seems that every time I try to listen to build my spirit man it is too difficult. The songs seem to leave me in a pool of tears and a heart filled with sadness.

I'm truly having to rely on GOD in a way that I have never before. I want so badly to hear your voice. My earnest desire is for you to tell me how to handle the toughest battle of my life the way you did when daddy died. Bae when daddy died you were right by my side every step of the way.

Bae remember? 

There I was standing with the hall closet open looking for the orange candles I used the Thanksgiving before at our Thanksgiving breakfast. Bae, I remember exactly where we were when we came up with the Thanksgiving breakfast idea. 

Bae you remember? 

Okay, don"t answer that.

We were in the car riding and talking when I shared my heart with you. I told you how for years you shared the holidays with my family and I wanted to do something that was more inclusive of your family. You asked what I had in mind? I told you a Thanksgiving breakfast. You was like, Dee you don't have to do all that work, reminding me how big your family was. The more I shared with you how we could do it, you got on board.

 He,he,he...ha,ha,ha...

I just thought about how unprepared we were. There we were Thanksgivng morning calling people to come  over to eat with us. When? Now. Everyone we called was hesitant. You know for them they didn't want to leave their kitchens cooking their Thanksgiving dinners.  But we had gotten up at 5 am that morning and started cooking, they had to come.

Before we started cooking you suggested we sit down and divide the menu. You took the meats while I took the sweets and sides. The aroma of bacon frying, liver pudding sizzling, and the smell of fresh baked blueberry pound cake danced through the house, acted as a alarm clock waking our daughters outta of a deep sleep. Just in the nick of time. We need everyone in the house to help before our guest arrived.  From that point it was a all out family affair with everyone working hard to make sure the table was spread.   Bae team work made that dream come to life.

 We were so excited to  be able to stop and serve the people in our lives that meant the most to us. Our moms and  dad, sisters, nephews and nieces and some clients too. Though it was suppose to be just your family. By the time the news spread we had a house full and we loved every bit of it. Bae we were so slow, I had all these plans to decorate the table, I had bought some beautiful candles and a burgundy colored table cloth for nothing to make it look like Fall.  To no avail, before we could even set our guest had arrived and we had a house full. Guess we got a little carried away singing and dancing that morning we got behind.  But we hyped it up and before we knew it we had a house full of hungry people. by the grace of GOD they came. We had such a good time. We not only fed them but we were able to input some traditions  of our own. At first everyone had to get used to the way we wanted to do things. Bae we were so excited about our walk with Jesus we wanted and we wanted to please him in every thing we did. Therefore we gathered everyone around the room and had them hold hands and give thanks to GOD for everything before we ate. Often the food was cool by the time we ate. But we gave GOD glory. 

So when I spotted them candles nestled in a corner on the second shelf  hidden under some Christmas ornaments, I had no idea what would happen next. Without thought I grabbed them, as my hand touched the waxy figures instantly I couldn't breathe.  But why? In that instant those candles took me back two years prior.  Our second Thanksgiving breakfast was different. Daddy was now in a wheel chair due to  brain cancer, it has taken it's toll on him. Although daddy was in a wheelchair he refused to stay home. He made sure he came. That morning I watched as my daddy humbled himself and allowed women to lift him in his wheelchair into our home. Him being such a prideful man I know it had to  break him down. Nevertheless he was there. As the festivities began daddy led the prayer and started the to turn our minds to our giving of thanks thingy. I still recall how daddy began to be thankful that year about how I had now learned to cook salmon patties. Though he was willing he was tired, he no longer had the strength to fix them for me. But what stands out the most is how you joked with daddy that morning telling him it was cheaper to clothe your nephews than it was to feed them. That tickled daddy to the core. For years I could still here that laugh ringing in my ear.  Afterwards I was complaining that I didn't decorate and had to put everything back up. As I picked the candles up you let me know the experience was more important than the decorations. 

So as I stumbled through the kitchen  that day and  fell right onto the living room couch struggling to breathe. All I could do in that moment was wish for my daddy.  Them two orange candles triggered an anxiety attack. The sound of me stumbling through the kitchen must have gotten your attention.  Cause there you came running . As I lay there on the couch gasping for breathe I heard your footsteps as you entered the room. My first thought was that you would save me. You would somehow be a night in shinning armor there to snatch me out of this. But no. Your voice filled with frustration and worry as I recall hearing you say, "Breathe Dee, Breathe." The next thing I heard you scream seemed to snatch the air right out of my lungs. You asked was this what I would do if something happened to you. In that moment I couldn't imagine life apart from you. 

The kids need you, You shouted!

I still think on this from time to time. Your wisdom was so valuable to this family. Guess that's why I never missed an opportunity to ride in the big truck with you over the years.  I looked forward to the long rides that gave way to some interesting conversations while we drove from the darkness into morning sunrises. When I look back over our lives those long rides taught us so much about each other. It really gave us time to really get to know one another way beyond the physical. I got to know you. while you took the time to know me.

 Bae never in my life have I experienced the openness we shared. I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my deepest darkest fears, the level of trust you made me feel  that allowed me to reveal the skeletons hid in my secret closet.  In the comfort and security of your arms I was free to be me.  

It is still hard to believe how much easier it was to face daddy's death but I know it was because you were right by my side,  the jokes  that made me laugh helped me get through. Funny the thing that helped me the most is the thing I need so desperately, the way you made light of any situation causing me to laugh. To have you remind me every step of the way that things will be alright. Instead I am up at 5 am struggling to close my eyes. I try so hard to hold on but I feel like I am slipping. Everyday I feel you slip further  and farther away with ach day passing. Often I am reminded of the oneness we shared. Guess that's why it's so hard to walk alone when your other half has gone.  

A/N:

 Yay, you made it! You have finished diary entry 3. What are your biggest takeaways? Comment below. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing this entry with you even through the tears. 

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DeWanna