Diary of an angry widow

Diary Entry: 2 Scattered thoughts

Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading. 

Bae my thoughts are all over the place

Jay, I miss you so much. Though I knew I would, I could have never imagined the depth. Today we had a new client in the salon, I told her all about you. I told her how you would have been joking with her.

I wish you could have seen our grandkids today, I gave them a oreo popsicle  leaving our grandson with a chocolate mustache while our granddaughter looked as if she had been playing in the pig pen. They were a mess. Jay though it's only been 3 months since you last saw them they have gotten so big. For the last few months I have tried to fill the void in their hearts, but I have come to realize you set the bar so high.

Today our baby girl's birthday gift arrived. She is going to love it. But I hope it is enough to put a smile on her face. Bae she misses you so badly. And to be honest I have no idea what to do here. You know how she is she tries hard to hold back her tears. To see how she tries to stay strong I know you would be proud. She still holds onto the lessons you taught her on the basketball court during practice. No matter how hard this journey has and will be she still cries secretly she never lets the world see her tears. You would be proud.

I think about how you always knew what to say to her. She just walked into our bedroom just a few minutes ago to show off a make-up look she came up with. Looking like a chinese baby doll, she was so pretty. I wish I would have just said how pretty she was. But no. You know me, I said you are watching youtube again. Once again another reminder of how much we balanced each other.

Bae, I love you!!!I I miss our talks and though I was blessed with over 26 years of conversations with you I still get angry when my brain only recalls a few.

Today our oldest would've made you proud, she had her tires changed well at least two and if that wasn't enough she asked the tire repair man to switch the back tires to the front. Bae I can see the dimples slip into your face as you smile at how she was doing what you taught her.

One step at a time, though each step seems so hard. Thank you for all the lessons you shared over the years. I pray I can recall them more as we need them. You will always hold my heart. Every now and then I imagine you in heaven cutting up and making jokes with all your family and friends. Bae I thank GOD you're getting your reward because of the husband and dad you were, you deserve all that heaven has prepared for you.

Until next time

Love Dee

Lessons learned: Though reality says this is your new normal, there are times the mind has other plans. So if by chance you have entered into a new normal and your mind is going in over time trying to process all of your thoughts. 

It's okay.

Your okay. I promise. 

I have come to realize when you get hit with one of lives most devastating blows.  Your brain will go in overtime trying  to help you manage the pain. Helping to shield you from the impact of it all. For me when I couldn't get my thoughts under control I decided to jot them down. Even though the thoughts were coming as some say "a mile a minute".  I wrote them in a journal (my diary), this helped me to see all of my thoughts from a landscape view versus panoramic. I didn't want to loose the thoughts, but I desperately needed them to calm. While in my heart I felt there was a reason these thoughts were coming so fast, though at the time I couldn't understand why. Looking back at the thoughts now, my brain was working over time trying to keep the files named: Husband, bestfriend, baby daddy, lover, business partner, biggest fan, personal coach, cheerleader, prayer warrior, my other half, my spiritual adviser, my covering, my awesome man of GOD active. He had been the biggest part of my world for 26 1/2. My heart literally could not handle leaving such a huge part of me behind. So much so all  I could think about was how could I stay in that day. I wanted so badly to not have to go into tomorrow, he would not be there.  It was easy becoming the one but becoming the separated one. that I could not handle. 

I was in overload. 

I couldn't think of the first route to living my life without him. His direction, his guidance, his laughter, our pillow talks. Often when life got hard I would crawl up on the bed and lay my head on his chest to hear the strength of his heart beat, for some reason the melody of his heart was like the song I needed to hear  always causing my heart to calm. Looking back now my world had fell off it's axis and my brain was working hard to help me navigate through it.

The random thoughts were not really random, they were the thoughts I would have shared with him everyday. My drive home from work would've been inclusive of a conversation with him about our day. He would tell me of the things he had done and the experiences he had in my absence and I would in turn do the same. My brain recalled conversations of way back when, those moments over the years where like yarn knitting our hearts together as one. 

So I say to you friend: Instead of trying to calm the storm in your head. Find yourself a quiet place, grab your favorite journal, and the best writing pen, allow yourself the space to write the thoughts. 

Things needed:

^Turn spell check of--just write.

^Grab a few boxes of tissues--they will come in handy

^No judgement zone hear--this is your personal journal no one has to no your thoughts.

Write as much or as little as you need to note: there are times when your thoughts will be a one liner, then there are the days you will fill up pages. Let your brain do the talking and your fingers do the walking. Until your heart starts to feel some relief. 

There is no page limit to this part of your journey fill as many or as little as you need. You heart will tell you when the time is done. For me. I still write. 

Prayer time:

 Father I am grateful for the love I shared with my (___________). Thank you for the  the awesome opportunity to experience such LOVE. I realize I was given a special gift. I ask Father that the impact my loved one had on my life will never be forgotten. Father I ask in the name of Jesus that as my mind moves on to create new memories and experiences that the files that hold all the memories we shared would never be deleted from my memory bank. I pray Father  when I need them most they will shine brightly in my mind to help me remember the love we shared. 

It's in Jesus name I pray.