Diary of an angry widow

Diary entry: 6 The Fog

Disclaimer: This is the unedited version of my journal. In order to give you my authentic emotion I decided not to edit till it's done. Thanks for reading.

The FOG

She stood over my wheelchair with tears streaming down her cheeks dreading  the next steps she had to take. Five months prior was when she and I first met. Hey Bae, he said as I walked in the room. how are the kids he asked?  Their fine I said while putting my things away. You must be Dee a squeaky voice said from the other side of the room. Yes I said as I looked at him. He has done nothing but talk about you all day. He wouldn't let me do anything for him. I was not surprised. He made it clear that you would take care of him when you got here. He pointed to the corner  where all the things I needed to give him a bath lay. She began to apologize for not being able to help him more. But after all the years we had been together I already knew. He was not letting anyone take care of him and I didn't mind. He jokingly said to her don't start nothing. She started to smile. Changing the subject he started to ask where she was from?  After answering his question she left the room giving me the time I needed to help him get ready for bed. Once we were finished she popped her head in the door to make sure we were good. He couldn't help himself every time she came back he had something to say that made her laugh. So when she stood there hesitant to push me through the door. I knew it was hard for her. You always had a way of  connecting with everyone that came into your hospital room. You made all of them feel like family.  Bae though it was hard to see her cry, her tears blessed me. I knew your loving spirit had rubbed off on her too. 

Though I already knew. Nothing could prepare me for what I was about to see.  She whispered in my ear it's time to take you in the room. Then she left me there all alone. Though your body lye there your spirit had gone. 

At first I whispered to you Bae, I know you were tired and I understand.  But something deep in me awaited your response. I look around the room for what I do not know. As I looked around my mind seem to go back to memories times past when we would camp out in your hospital room just to be near. Tears wailed up in my eyes as  this thought came to mind. Our house is not a home without you. At that moment I began to  fill the fog. 

Bae I can't see. Though the headlights of my heart are turned to bright  I can't see! "Bae" where are you? Please don't go I'm not ready yet. I haven't finished needing you. Bae, Bae, please.... where are you? How did we get separated? Which way did you go?    Bae, where are you. Come back bae, I can't do this by myself. I can't leave this room without you. How do I go on to raise our kids. Two grandkids are down stairs  awaiting your return. How do I continue on through all this pain.  No longer the one who lite up the room, nor the voice that 

Tonight I frantically search for your touch, and long for the fragrance of your cologne in the crevices of your neck,  My body longs for the warmth of your embrace. Bae please place your hand in the small of my back remind me things will be alright as only YOU can. I desperately need to hear the music your heartbeat made as it thumped against the bed causing our headboard to tremble against the window seal, gently rocking me to sleep. I want so to wake in the morning to hear your voice say, good morning Bae. How I desire to once again see you face as you peak from under the covers watching silently as I prepared for the day. 

Bae please I need to lay on your chest  to feel the beat  your heart against my face please Bae. calm my fears. Bae where are you? Please tell me this is a dream.  Bae, wake me up out of this dream, tell me as you have in times past that this  is a  just a bad dream. Call my as only you can, tell me this is not for real.  

Bae where are you? I can't do this without you.

Bae when my dad died you were there to help me through. You made me laugh at his memories that helped to ease the pain. But tonight I need your sense of humor to help me and you're not here.

Bae where are you?

Your forever love, Dee

Foggy moments:

In spite of the fact I have run, operated, managed a salon, authored books, and put on plays, all the while being a fulltime wife, mom, granny, and caregiver amongst other things, I have never in my life experienced such a fog. It's like having a day of tremendous rain followed by severe low visibility, and despite the fact you can barely see beyond the hood of your car you still have to drive to work. The difference for me was the fog was not on the outside of me it was on the inside me, it was in my mind. I would literally find myself in line (at the bank, grocery store, my child's school, etc.) when my thoughts would drift so far away...Sadness would engulf me like a warm winter blanket. People would be in conversation with me while my mind would be millions of miles away. It was like being lost in the middle of the crowd I could hear the conversations, but I could not comprehend what they were talking about. The fog was so thick I could cut it with a knife. Many said you were so distant, and I know it's true. It was like in the middle of the fog I kept having little text coming across the forefront of my mind. Saying "Jay passed, and he's not coming back." Every time I saw these words it wDas like your death was happening all over again.

A/N Have you ever experienced such grief that it left your mind in a fog? Please comment below. 

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DeWanna