Dying is the worst and most painful side effect of cancer, that's what I thought as I look at our pictures. I spent almost half of my life with him. Since 6th grade we've been friends. He's always been my partner—whether during JS prom, grad ball, 18th birthday and always in everything. I looked at our JS prom picture that was pinned on the cork board over my computer. I still can't believe what he told me. It is as if his voice keeps on echoing inside my head.
I remember my mentor 4 years ago when I was still a junior nurse. She said "Addie, sometimes, even if you are the best nurse, even if you've got the best knowledge and skills, when the time comes that your love one—a special someone, a child, parent or someone very dear to your heart...all the knowledge and skill will be gone. You'll feel as if you don't know a thing. It's like you are clueless. It's either you'll develop a lapse about your knowledge or overthink it...And you'll be left with reliance to either to your doctors or co-staff..." When she told me that, at first I really don't understand. I don't know if I am insensitive to my patients or I just haven't put my shoes on theirs. Now I feel clueless. Well, helpless actually. I wanted to tell him to continue with the therapy since it's the best way to help him out but the cancer has spread already. When Drake decides, it's final. If he says he doesn't want to do any therapy, then he will not.
I lie in bed and watch the glow-in-the-dark stars up in my ceiling. I can't sleep. 30 minutes has gone after my birthday. I haven't change from my scrub suit. I stare blankly on the green stars above me. Sometimes, I wonder, why is the world unfair? I lost my parents. I need to be independent. I have a job that requires caring and saving lives. I have a best friend and sooner I will lose him too. I have a job that can save lives but I can't save theirs. Most of the time, I am amazed with doctors. For me they are God's extension of healing hands. They can either bring back a person's life or not. Ever since I was a kid, I dreamt of being one. A well-known doctor for kids. I've studied hard all through my life. I was able to pass every university I applied. I passed all the exams especially the licensure exam for nurses.
"Madeline Ross, batch Magna Cum Laude," announced the emcee during my graduation. I was very happy back then. I hope my parents were there during that special day, instead, it is Drake and his parents who went up to the stage with me. I told Drake I wanted to go to med school. He's happy to hear that. We checked the money my parents left me and realized that it's not enough. Drake knew how much I wanted to go to med school. Even if I passed the scholarship program, it is still not enough.
"Well, I guess I just need to enjoy my profession as nurse then," I told Drake once. He gave me hug which he knew how badly I wanted to enter med school. "It's ok Addie...you can still be healer...I mean, you can still can take good care of patients," he said, trying to comfort me. "You can be the assistant of God's extension of healing hands, though," he tried to joke.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. I opened my eyes on the sound of my alarm clock. I checked, it's 6AM. I fell asleep with my scrub suit on. I can smell food, literally. It's like someone is cooking eggs? Bacon? I don't know. I went to the bathroom and wash my face and gargle. Maybe someone broke to my house, I wondered. I opened my room and smelled food. Someone's cooking for breakfast. I know someone who loves to sneak in my house because he knows where I keep the extra key just in case I forgot. I went down stairs to the kitchen and saw the culprit's back, cooking in my kitchen. Plates and cups are prepared. I can smell the scent of hot chocolate. I stood there and watch him. I cleared my throat but I don't think he has heard me. I smiled. I cleared again my throat, much audible. He stopped from humming and turned around. He was a little startled by my presence. He smiled exposing his dimples. His face was a little pale. How come I did not notice his color has changed?
"Someone sneak into my house and is cooking breakfast," I said as I pulled the chair and sit near him. He chuckled. "And I believe you haven't changed your clothes since yesterday," he teased. I eyed him. He placed the bacon, eggs and fried rice on the table and sit next to me.
