Finally Home

62. Samantha

Rosie cried into my shoulder when Mom and Dad left.  I carried her into the living room and sat down on the couch with her.  She was calling for Mom and Dad, and even I couldn't console her. I wanted to be home with them too. Don't get me wrong. I love Aunt Debby and Uncle Josh. They've saved me in more ways than one on more than one occasion.  But their house isn't our home. I sleep okay here, and Jim slept with me when I stayed here for a few days during the trial with Mark, but my bed and my room are my space.  No matter how many times I stay over, no matter how many times they tell me I'm welcome anytime and that the room I sleep in is 'my room', it's still not home.

I know they know that, and I know they aren't upset that I don't consider their place 'home', but it is one of two places I'd rather be if I can't be home. I do feel safe here, and I do love Aunt Debby and Uncle Josh, but I prefer it being on my terms.  Not the State telling my parents that despite all the hard work we've all done, I can still easily be taken away from them.

Uncle Josh and Aunt Debby had ordered pizza for dinner, and when it arrived, we went into the kitchen to eat.  I cut up a small piece of pizza for Rosie so she could eat it easily.  I checked my levels and bolused, but wound up just staring at the piece of pizza on the plate in front of me.

"I was going to order Chinese food," Uncle Josh said. "But your mom and dad use that to celebrate things, and I don't think this is much of a celebratory situation. Sam, I know you're upset, and probably not hungry, but you have to eat.  Please."

I nodded and picked up the pizza.

I managed two pieces before I had to go throw up. Uncle Josh came running to the bathroom after me.

"Oh, Sam," he said, sitting beside me at the toilet and rubbing my back. I flushed the toilet, and leaned into him, my tears coming again.  I sobbed into his chest.

"I know," he said. "I know. Just let it out."

We sat like that for a good ten, maybe 20 minutes, me crying, Uncle Josh holding me and rubbing my back.

When I was done crying, I was tired. I didn't want to move. I started dozing off on Uncle Josh.

"Want me to take you to bed?" he asked.  I nodded.  He shifted himself and picked me up. I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Sam, you okay?" Aunt Debby asked. I nodded. Not sure if she could see me.

"SaSa sick?" Rosie asked.

"Sam has a bit of a tummy ache, peanut." Uncle Josh said. "I'm going to put her to bed. You finish your pizza."

"I go bed," Rosie said, pushing her plate away. "I go bed wif SaSa!"

"Are you sure, Rosie?" Aunt Debby asked. "How about you finish your pizza and then I'll take you up to bed."

"NO!" she cried. "I go wif SaSa!"

"Rosie, finish your dinner," I said weakly. "Then you can come snuggle with me, okay?"

"But, I want SaSa," Rosie said. I could hear she was close to crying.

"I'll be right upstairs. Uncle Josh and Aunt Debby are here, and I'm not going anywhere.  You're almost done your dinner anyway. Finish up the last little bit, and then come up to bed with me."

"Okay, SaSa," Rosie said in a sad voice.

Uncle Josh carried me up to the bedroom that was unofficially mine. He placed me on the bed, took off my shoes and covered me with a blanket.  He sat on the side of the bed and felt my forehead.

"You're not warm. Are you feeling okay?" he asked. I nodded.

"Okay. Get some rest and I'll check in on you in a little while, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Uncle Josh," I said.

"Anything for you, Rosie and your mom and dad," he said, smoothing down my hair and giving me a kiss on my forehead. "If you need anything, just call. Feel better and get some rest, okay?"

"Okay," I said. I rolled onto my side, curled up into a ball and tried to sleep.

About 20 minutes passed and the door opened.

"Sam, honey?" It was Aunt Debby. I rolled onto my back. "How are you doing?"

I shrugged.

Rosie came running in and climbed up onto the bed and curled her little body into mine. I wrapped my arms around her. Aunt Debby sat on the bed beside us.

"I know this is hard for you both," she said. "And I know Uncle Josh and I can't make it better. But we love you and we're doing the best we can, too."

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry if I've been rude or anything."

"Oh, sweetheart. You've been fine. That isn't what I meant. I meant we're upset about all this, too. But probably not as upset as you two. We know this isn't home. But we'll do our best to make it home for now, okay?"

I nodded.

"How are you feeling? How's your stomach?"

I shrugged.

"I'm okay, I guess."

"Do you feel sick?" Aunt Debby asked.

"No. Just sad."

"I bet. You two get some sleep. Shouldn't we change into PJs? Rosie, do you need a diaper change?"

"SaSa," she said.

"Sam isn't feeling well. Can I change you? We'll stay right here."

"Let Aunt Debby change you, k, bug?"

"Okay SaSa," Rosie said.

Aunt Debby went into the room that they'd thought Rosie would use and brought back pyjamas and a diaper and some wipes. She quickly changed Rosie who, once in her sleeper, crawled up the bed and back against me.

"I'll get Jim to come up and sleep with you ,guys, okay?" Aunt Debby said.

"Okay," I said.

Rosie and I curled up into each other. Maybe five minutes later, the door opened and Jim hopped up on the bed.

"Good night, girls," Uncle Josh said.

"Good night," I said.

He closed the door and Rosie looked up at me.

"SaSa?" She said.

"Yeah, bug?" I asked.

"I want Mama and Dada," she sniffled.

"I know, bug. Me too."

Her breath caught as she cried quietly. I rubbed her back, letting my own tears fall silently.