My life

My life part 10

Thurday 23rd April 2015 didn't sleep well last night kept waking up because my legs and back was hurting so much and I ended up waking up at 7 ish and I was in so much pain thank god I can walk but it hurts so much when I walk and I've got doctors tomorrow about my hay fever but I'm gonna mention about my back because it's getting that bad I can't bend back.
Paula is coming at 12 but she will early like normal so got to e ready for when she come every where is aching but I can't do anything about it.
Don't want to do anything today.
Got some good news I haven't self harmed in 2 days so I'm quite proud of myself and plus I can't do it anyway because my razor blades have been took off me because I was self harming again so I can't do it anymore.
But because I ain't self harming now I'm starting to think about suicide again and I don't want to think about suicide but because I ain't self harming anymore I'm gonna be thinking about suicide everyday again and I don't want to go back to that I've been okay for the last 3/4 weeks because I've been self harming and it's took my mind of thinking about suicide but now I'm not self harming I'm thinking about suicide but I'm not telling anyone because if they find out I'm thinking about wanting to commit suicide it will mean they will worry and I can't make them worry even more than what they already have and my uncle has told me to tell my foster carers Karen and Gary but i can't open up to them I've only known them a month and it's not the same as talking my uncle and other family members about it because I've known them longer and I know I can't trust them but I've only known Karen and Gary a month.
I will admit I want to talk to them but I've gone back in my shell again and I know I shouldn't but I have.