the favor | clexa AU

twelve

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Clarke left the apartment soon after Lexa had left her room and wasn't back until late evening, trying to get the regret out of her system.

Lexa was in the living room when Clarke chucked off her shoes and hung her coat, and the blonde fell onto the couch next to her friend.

"Lexa?"

"What?"

"I'm really sorry. About this morning. But I don't think I can deal with your loose feelings that this woman gets here and a week later another there. I didn't mean to be mean."

Lexa scoffed. "That's how you think it is? That's what you think of me?"

"Can't tell me you weren't all into Costia a few weeks ago."

"I wasn't, in fact, but I was trying to."

Clarke's eyebrows knitted together. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Because she was pretty and I didn't get why I just wouldn't fall in love with her and move on," Lexa said, and her eyes went wide as soon as she realized her words. She bit her tongue and awaited Clarke's next question that just had to come.

"Move on?"

Lexa was silent.

"Lexa is there anything I don't know about? From who or what are you moving on? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?"

"I- no. No."

"What are you moving on from, then?"

"Nothing."

"Lexa what the fuck. I thought Costia was the only one you've ever gone out with. Was there anyone else?"

One breath, two breaths, and Lexa sighed. She was so tired of it. She as a 24 year-old adult still hadn't moved on from her highschool days and she was so goddamn sick of it. "There's been someone I loved. Or love, still, to be exact. And I've been trying to move on since forever."

"Why haven't you ever talked to me about it?" Clarke asked, her voice much softer. Secretly, impossibly disappointed. Hurt. She hadn't had a very big hope to get anywhere with Lexa forever, not before Finn and not when the quarterback had asked the cheerleader out and she just had to say yes, for her own favor, and not even after him. "Or her?"

"She's not interested."

"Did she tell you that?"

"She had a boyfriend for a quite long time and I haven't told her."

"Well why don't you now?"

"I can't," Lexa breathed.

"Yes you can."

"There's a lot at stake."

"Can't be that much. You have a safe place to stay here, no awkwardness or being thrown out or some shit. You have a job and even if it's one of your colleagues or- oh my God Lexa is it one of your clients?"

Lexa laughed a bit and shook her head. That the 'safe place to stay without awkwardness' didn't apply, Lexa didn't mention.

"Then tell her Lexa. And stop fucking your best friend to distract you from your feelings."

"It's not-"

"Yes it is. I'm serious Lexa. Please just don't fight me on this. If there's someone you want, don't have something with another person. That's just delusional as shit. I don't want you to think about her when you're kissing me and cum with her image in your head. I don't mind sleeping once with you for another girl, but I'm not gonna be some doll you can put your girl's face and voice and whatnot on just because you're too shy to talk to her."

"That's not what I'm doing Clarke."

"Good. Then don't do it in the future."

"Clarke."

"I'm not sleeping with you again, as tempting as it is, that's all. No more, no less. Please Lexa, just don't do that to me."

"But-"

"Lexa!"

Tears prickled in Lexa's eyes as she got up from the couch. Her steps were a little shaky as she made her way to her bedroom and locked the door behind herself. That was it. Any opportunity or confidence about telling Clarke had completely vanished.

She curled up against her favorite pillow, hid away under the blanket, and cursed herself for it all. The lack of ability to just go and finish a sentence when Clarke had cut her off. Tell her, and if it would've become the most awkward atmosphere between them, just to finally, fucking finally get it off her chest. The fact that she was in love with Clarke at all. That she'd started having sex with the woman.

Lexa cried entirely too much that night, and by morning, she knew she needed to do something about it. Just gather every ounce of confidence hidden anywhere and tell Clarke. She couldn't bear it anymore otherwise.

So she went to work, tried to talk with her colleague Anya about it, and when she was back home, her security had vanished to almost nothing.

Clarke was in the kitchen, but didn't pay her any attention. Only shortly replied to Lexa's quiet greeting.

They did need to talk.

But Lexa didn't want to.

No matter how she tossed and turned it, there was no way of solving anything without getting her ass up and saying the words. It were just words, that's what Anya had said.

It seemed like so much more to Lexa.

So when Clarke had eaten dinner- and left something for Lexa- the brunette ate, and when Clarke had finished watching her weekly episode on the TV, Lexa watched the same one, and when Clarke was done brushing her teeth, Lexa went into the bathroom.

It was eleven on that Saturday night that Lexa sat up on her bed, went over to her desk, pulled out a nice paper and a pen... and couldn't write anything for what seemed like hours.

Minute after minute passed and the paper stayed empty, empty until the pen touched it and carefully and neatly wrote

It's you I love. I'm so fucking in love with you Clarke Griffin and I can't bear it.

It wanted to move further, she wanted to move it further, tell more, write more, but she couldn't. She tried to, but nothing seemed right, so she just folded the paper, and without thinking about it she got out of her room and slid the paper beneath the door of Clarke's room.

A second later, she started frantically knocking.

"What is it?"

"I just needa pick something up I accidentally slipped through your door! Like right now!"

"I already picked it up."

Lexa went pale. "Shit," she muttered under her breath and fled from the door, regret washing over her and sweat breaking out on her skin. She scrambled to get her door closed and into her bed, but in the hectic she completely forgot that her blanket indeed did not help more than a locked door. (She had not locked it.)

Her face just sunk as deepest into the pillow as it could go.

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