Mate for you [a Kyle O'Reilly story]

8 I need to talk to you

Amy POV

"Alright, Mrs. O'Reilly, if you don't have any more questions we'll start the ultrasound now. Let's see how your little someone is doing." the doctor said after asking me about 100 questions.

I lay down and waited for him to start the examination. With a deep sigh I leaned back, closed my eyes and wished I was somewhere else. But then I felt Kyle take my hand in his. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes to look at him. He tried not to let it show, but I could see exactly how excited he was. How I wished I could be as excited.

"Awesome." he whispered, his eyes fixed on the monitor as the doctor ran the probe over my abdomen.

I looked at the little blob the doctor said was the baby and waited to feel something. But all I felt was still fear. Not what Kyle might have hoped for.

"Everything looks quite excellent. The baby is as developed as could be expected. The IUD did not do any damage. I'll print out just a few pictures for you and write you a prescription for vitamins. Also, I'll write you something for the nausea." the doctor said, but I was barely listening.

When we were finally done with everything and could leave, I breathed a sigh of relief. Silently we walked to the car. I didn't feel like talking. Fortunately Kyle knew that it was better not to say anything at the moment. He wouldn't have been able to say anything I wanted to hear anyway.

He drove me back home. But as we approached my house I saw a familiar car parked at the curb. It was Mom. 

"Oh damn." I muttered.

"I guess you haven't told her yet?" asked Kyle quietly.

"No. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to," I replied.

"Do you want me to help you tell her?" he wanted to know.

"I appreciate it, but you shouldn't be there. It'll just make it harder," I said.

Kyle parked the car. And when Mom saw me get out, she immediately shouted his name enthusiastically.

"Kyle! Oh my boy, it's so good to see you! What are you doing here?" she asked as she stepped to the driver's side of his car and beamed at him.

"Hey Ramona! I just had some business with Amy. It's good to see you, but I should get going." he said in a very nervous voice.

"Come on in, mom. I need to talk to you. I'll see you at work Kyle." I said before mom could start asking one of her many questions that I knew she had.

I saw her give me and then Kyle a suspicious look, but then silently follow me. I unlocked the door and immediately went into the kitchen to make us some tea. Of course, she followed on my heels.

"You wanted to talk to me? What's wrong? You look awful." she stated.

"Thanks, I know. The thing is... I'm pregnant." I mumbled without looking at her.

"Amy! That's great! Congratulations!" She cheered and wanted to hug me.

"No! That's not great! How can you say that?" I replied with anger.

"Because it is. I'm assuming it's Kyle's baby. And you know, deep down, that you're happy, too." she said quietly.

"No, I am not. You know how I feel about that. That was just an accident. I can't. I can't be a mother." I yelled.

"Oh Amy. You have to get past these thoughts, honey. What she did has nothing to do with your ability to be a mother. You can't keep punishing yourself." she replied gently.

"I don't. But what if I can't love it? Or worse what if I wake up one day and have stopped loving it?" I whined, clutching the countertop.

"Amy, calm down. Why do you assume you're like your mother? You don't know what her reasons were back then." said Mom.

"No, all I have is a letter that says she didn't love me anymore." I mumbled as I wiped the tears from my cheek.

Mom came over to me and put an arm around my shoulders before leading me into the living room and onto the couch. I sat down and tried to take a deep breath.

"Did you ever wonder what the reason could have been?" she asked me.

"I'm the reason. That's obvious," I replied harshly.

"Is it? I don't think so. I think it was the easiest way for her. She wanted you to hate her so you wouldn't come looking for her later. Whatever happened, you certainly weren't the trigger. Maybe she had depression or a drug problem. Maybe she lost someone and didn't know how to deal with it. Or maybe she couldn't take care of you properly.

Whatever it was. It doesn't say anything about what kind of mother you're going to be. You have so many people who can help you that she probably didn't have. Amy, you're not alone. You are loved. Don't take something from yourself because you're afraid. I'm convinced, even if you'd never admit it in a million years, that you've always wanted this. You want children. And do you know why I am convinced of that?" she spoke and looked at me questioningly.

I shook my head.

"Because you married Kyle anyway. You didn't want children, but you decided to marry a man who you always knew wanted children. You say that Kyle tried to change your mind, but I think you tried to change your own mind. You love Kyle and you love kids. But you're stuck in the mindset that you don't deserve this chance.

You can do better than your birth mother. Because you know how it is... you know what you're doing. And to be honest, I think that's why neither you nor Kyle ever filed for divorce. And now that you're expecting a baby, I'm convinced you're going to do everything in your power to protect your baby." she continued.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Kyle will take care of it. It's the best thing I can do for the baby." I replied.

"It isn't. Wait and see... I know you, honey. There will come a point when you feel like a mom. You're not a quitter, Amy. You never were and you never will be. Trust me." she said as she took my hand in hers.

"And one more thing... I think it might help you if maybe we try to find your mom. Well, if you want us to. Only she can give you answers. Think about it, for you, for Kyle, and especially for your baby." Mom added.