Forever Together [Soukoku]

Chapter 21: The real pain of dying

Four days have passed since Chuuya waked up and as Liam told him he began to have a high fever. Chuuya felt like he was about to die but thankfully there was someone who took care of him. No it wasn't Dazai, he didnt saw him since he left. It was Liam and that "weird" girl who helped him since he wakes up.

Chuuya didn't saw her too often, she only came to take care of him when Liam wasn't here. She never said anything but Chuuya just guessed she was really shy. Thanks to them Chuuya get better really quickly but he still needed to rest.

Right now Chuuya was laying in his bed waiting for Liam to come with his breakfast. Yet this time the person who crossed the door and entered the room was the girl. She walked toward the bed with the plate of food and put on the table next to Chuuya. As always she didn't said a word and turned around to leave.

"Hey wait a second" said Chuuya and the girl stopped then turned toward him.

"Im so bored~~ It's been two weeks since i waked up now, i wanna go for a walk" he said with a bored expression.

"I'm sorry but you cannot go outside just yet, it would be a problem if someone recognized you" she said in a low voice and the ginger looked at her surprised.

"Ooh so you actually can speak! Haha you have such a cute voice" said Chuuya laughing softly while the young girl looked away shyly.

"But if we are careful enough we won't run into anyone i know" he said trying to convince her.

"Liam said you should stay here for now...If he finds out I took you outside when he wasn't there, he'll be angry..." she said a bit worried about the consequences.

"Hearing you speak like this it looks like he's the boss here but i dont think its the case, beside he won't know. Come on i really might die from boredom~" begged Chuuya, the girl looked away then sighed.

"Well, i guess a little walk wont hurt anyone..." she said and Chuuya smiled. He eats his breakfast then dressed up and walked out of his room. He went to the living room were the girl waited for him.

"Shall we go?" asked Chuuya excited and she nodded. They went out of the building and Chuuya took a deep breath, its been a while since he went outside. They started to walk around in silence, so Chuuya tried to start a conversation.

"So uh- That blindfold on your eyes, is it because your blind?" he asked and she turned around him with a bored expression.

"Do i look blind to you? of course i'm not..." she said a little annoyed.

"Oh yeah now that you saw that it wouldn't make sense if you were blind... Then it must be because of your ability, what is it by the way?" he asked really curious.

"None of your business, i won't answer that..." she replied looking away.

"Oh okay that's fine..." said the ginger with an embarrassed smile, he guessed that she wouldn't answer that question anyway.

"Then what's your name?" he asked and she suddenly stopped.

"Why are you all so obsessed with naming everything... I don't have one..." she said looking upset.

"What? How is that?" asked Chuuya surprised.

"Well... After shizune revived me i didn't remember anything from my past life not even my name. I asked him to name me but he said he couldn't" she explained and Chuuya looked confused.

"Why couldn't he?" he as asked.

"He said "Who am i to name you? Im not god i can't name anything that isnt my own creation" something like that, since then i still don't have a name" she replied and Chuuya looked stunned.

"I dont know that guy but he really is kinda crazy... Anyway, it's not because your not his daughter that he couldn't give you a name, you know what let's think of a name for you" he said with a smile.

"Uh- Well... I don't really need one..." she said but Chuuya disagreed.

"Can't do, what am i supposed to can you if we don't find you a name? We'll think about that with Liam" Said Chuuya and the girl sighed then nodded. Then they started to walk again.

"Anyway you say you also got revived right? How did you die? Oh wait you just said you didn't remember anything..." he said replying to his own question.

"Actually i do remember the moment before my death. After all it was so peaceful that i didnt want to forget that beautiful feeling." she replied and Chuuya looked at her confused when she described her death as " beautiful " and " peaceful ".

"I remember it was on a beautiful day, there wasn't too many clouds and the sun was shining, i was looking at that beautiful sky as i was falling from the building " she said with a smile while remembering that moment.

"Falling from a building??? What happened ??" asked Chuuya with wide open eyes and à shocked expression.

"Suicide, I've committed suicide" she said with an indifferent expression. Chuuya looked at her with a complicated expression.

"Why? Why would you trow out your life?" He asked a little angry, he really hated that word "suicide".

"I dont remember, but i remember the amazing feeling of being finally free from the pain when i finally jumped off the building" she said and Chuuya clenched his fists.

"Amazing feeling?? What's so great about dying that your all so obsessed with it??! Did you even though how would feel the person who know you??! Who cared for you ??! Why are you all so selfish ?!" yelled Chuuya and the girl looked at him surprised.

"Oh... Im sorry i didn't know you'll get so mad about that. Actually i did though about my family from what i can remember, i know i made them really sad and i feel guilty when i think about it. But it's really harsh to say to someone that lived through so much pain that they are selfish because they wanted to end it. Sometimes death is the only way to escape that life of suffering. But you know, im only a ordinary human and the last feeling i had before dying was regret. I actually regret killing myself... My karma was cruel to me but fate gave me another chance, i will not waste it, i'll live no matter how hard and painful my life is.
After all, i dont feel alone anymore, there are people here who care a lot about me so i dont want to make then sad" said the girl and Chuuya looked at her with a sad smile.

"I'm glad to hear that, and sorry for being so harsh with my words" he said embarrassed but it made the girl laugh.

"Dont be sorry, i'm actually thankful that you yelled at me telling me that what i've done wasn't good. I wont do it again" She said with a warm smile. Chuuya smiled too, he wanted to ask her something but didnt knew if he should.

"Um-... Actually... When and why did you decide that dying would be the only option? How did you feel when?" he finally asked.

"I don't remember, but there is one thing i now know for sure, people who wants to die are hopeless, and as long as they dont live it themself they wont get how terrible it is, but then it will be too late" she said.

"I see.." replied Chuuya lost in his thoughts.

"As long as he won't understand the real pain of dying, Dazai will not get that dying may not be what he wants" said the girl and Chuuya looked at her surprised.

"How did you- Nevermind... Let's just go back , all that talk about death make me feel sick..." said Chuuya and they went back to Liam's place.